To someone who will get it one day:

I love you.

But...

You don't have to ask me if the dress is too small every time I ask you to zip me up. It is none of your business what size I am and quite honestly, just because you aren't happy with my body doesn't mean I feel the same way. Let me live my life. I am healthy and smart and have goals. Being skinny is not one of them.

How do you know how you feel?

College is hardddd. I have hormones that make being sad feel worse (but they also make being happy feel better so maybe it's good?) and schoolwork is stressful but I also have way more time to complete it...

It takes time to know how you feel, I guess.

vallydyllav.tumblr.com

Hopeful

I'm feeling very optimistic. Today I had a very pleasant lunch (that I didn't really expect to be quite that pleasant) with someone and it made me see that every interaction is whatever you want it to be. I'm reading this book called "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein and there is a quote in there:

"That which you manifest is before you."

How wise! Whatever you want to get from life is all you. Want to be happy? Find things that make you happy and do them. Want to be successful? Figure out what that means for you and get there. Poor? Move somewhere with more opportunities. Want to be friends with someone? Make an effort to get along with them.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Right?? And everyone's behavior is so subjective. For example, I always try to do the right thing, but the way I decide what is right is taking everything I'm going through and have been through into consideration (in effect, using my own background as evidence and justification for my behavior). Someone from a different background could think I'm a complete bitch because their priorities are set up differently. Just because someone is a stripper - does that mean the person is a bad one?

 If your best friend became a stripper, you would be able to justify the action by saying something like "Well, she/he's going through a really rough patch, money is really tight, emotionally she/he's in a weird place... etc," but if someone you don't know (and maybe don't like that much) becomes a stripper you may think something like "What a characteristic thing for her/him! I'm not surprised, she/he has always been a whorey bitch ho and this has absolutely no reason behind it."

 I'm not going to say that from now on I'm going to stop thinking bad things about people; I'm human and it's a part of me - judgment is a part of humanity - but I will acknowledge that I don't know everything about everything or everyone. Like fascists. Who knows what they're dealing with at home? Maybe they have a parental or cultural pressure to be fascists. Or rapists. Who knows what kind of mental mutations they have going on? I'm not saying I'm okay with these things, criminals are still criminals, hateful people are still hateful, I'm just saying that maybe if I was in their shoes I would deal with things in a similar way.

 One of my close friends, Tyler, once told me his philosophy on life. He sees things kind of like I described after the "Be kind..." quote. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, but

"I try to do the right thing all of the time, but accept that I don't know the whole story."

Later on he might regret what he chose to do if he learns more about the different perspectives of the situation, but he can sleep at night knowing that at every moment he is operating on a moment-to-moment basis, working with his observations and his knowledge, accepting there are definitely details about everything he is unaware of. I really respect that approach.

I always try to be kind, too, but it can be difficult when I'm being myself or telling a story to someone in public - I can't always be watching and making sure I'm not offending someone.

 So... Just feeling very optimistic and accepting of everyone right now. Listening to Ellie Goulding.

It's already been a week and a half?

Time is such a relative thing. When I'm in microeconomics I feel like class will never end, but when I'm sitting in my dorm trying to finish homework before going out I feel like time is speeding past.. Similarly, when I'm sitting in my dorm room trying to finish Ch. 2 of my microbiology textbook and I realize that there are only so many chapters and by the end of this semester I'll have read all of them and I'll have established myself as far as who my friends are (probably) and where I like to hang out and stuff... I freak out a little bit.

Each hour is slow, each day is fast, and each week is turbo. It's ridiculous, unbelievable, and confusing that I've already been here a week. How did that happen? It seems like just a few days ago I moved in! But I suppose this is what life is. It's just finding ways to spend your time that are fitting for you, so you don't regret them at the end. There really isn't enough time. Dying young is not an option.

Feeling rushed.

College?

I was really excited to come here so I could meet new people.. But in my vision of it, I was meeting all these great people who I immediately became really close with and could be myself around and they could be themselves around me and we could go out and do anything and it would still be fun. Basically, I was imagining that all my current close friends turned into new people. It's not quite going like that.

I have been meeting people left and right, which is nice and makes me hopeful for the future, when I can actually have friendships with these people, but for now we forget each other's names within minutes, we have to search for conversation topics, and we have to test the waters before every invitation.

While I'm talking to new people questions go through my head like 'what if she/he doesn't drink? what if she/he is gay? what if she/he loves this thing I'm bashing? what if she/he is completely judging me right now? Should I just go back to my dorm room where it's safe? Should I just give up on making friends?' In one of Tom Milsom's songs (called Song for the Painfully Indie) he sings "But I'm the one who cares/About a good impression being made/.../Don't tell me how the game is played/.../And I don't want to talk to her and take her hand/In case she tells me her favourite band is not my favourite band/How would I know which drink she'd want me to buy/When do I look her in the eye?" His song seems like it's about dating indie girls, but that part really hit me as far as not knowing what to say or how to act with new people.

It definitely sucks. I'm a pretty sociable person, I think, and it is very discouraging meeting new people all the time and not having any real friends except for the ones I have known for a long time. I guess it all takes time. But I'm so impatient.

My classes aren't going to be that hard, though, compared to Fairview. I'm going to have a hard time figuring out what to do with all this time I have in the middle of the day, though. Every day I have a break from like 11 to 3, if not the rest of the day, and I should do homework and study and shit, but I just end up doing it in the afternoon doing random stuff in between classes.

And I guess it's nice being so close to everything. If I ever want to party, I can. If I ever want to study, there are a bunch of libraries and little parks nearby. If I ever really need a familiar feel, I can go to Liza's house. And my roommates are super great. And I have a ton of great amenities. But I'm human, and I want more.

AHHH I miss having the safety net of my parents downstairs to go and whine and cry to if anything bad happens (I probably did that once every six months, so not a big deal, but still). I also miss having one person in particular that I could share everything with. Sex, secrets, feelings, mundane details of my day.. I guess it takes time to get to that level with someone, but it's hard not to have it when I've been used to that for so long. And it's not like going and hooking up with someone random is going to satisfy all of those emotional lacks in addition to the horniness.

I feel alone.

RuSsIa

Helloooo.

I've been in Russia for the past two weeks, which has been... many things. To be honest, I'm glad I'm coming back in a week. I think next time I come here I will only stay for two weeks. Or I'll live here for a while. Because the truth is people always are happy to see you if they haven't seen you in a long time, but that feeling of novelty and excitement fades after a few days. It just wears off, and then if you only have another few days left before you leave you feel like a used up rag that no one needs anymore because they got a swiffer. Or maybe you're the swiffer in this analogy and after a while people realize they have more to talk about with their old mop. My analogies never make much sense. Whatever.

Ugh. I miss everyone in Boulder. I always feel like this on family vacations. I spend so much time with my family and at first I'm so happy and carefree and I'm like 'why don't I spend more time with my parents in Boulder?' and by the end of the vacation I'm like 'oh yeah, this is why.' I love them. It's just that we're different people and we need breaks from each other to stay on good terms. I have friends like that, too, that I can't spend days and days in a row with. Because I love them in small doses, just like ozone, but when I get too much of them it only leads to negativity.

I can't wait for Mark to finish the senior year/summer video. I really want to watch it.

GAH I just miss Boulder. But I guess coming back means all the things I have to do (like starting my job and going to school). Still I'm basically just done here.

Thankful

I got a macbook pro today! My parents are the best.

I am kind of feeling... I don't know exactly what word to use. But to encompass the feeling, I'll say this: I want to embrace all the new beginnings I'm experiencing. I have a newfound trust that it'll all be okay. I'm remembering that people adapt, that I shouldn't worry about fragility because if it's worth it, it might hurt, and that to get somewhere awesome, you have to live through some shit.

Dayum.

I have a good life.

Back from Dianer (it rocked my socks)

You know what sucks? When both your grandmas and your dad all tell you that you look like you've gained weight. I just don't understand the point of that. But at the same time, I think I handled it really well today. I just said, "so what?" And they seemed kind of speechless. So... Success for Vally!

I have so many books I want to read this summer. And so many things I want to do. I can't wait. Dayum son.

New

Maybe its the book I'm reading but I feel the start of a new life. An adult life, filled with adventure and healthy responsibility.

I'm GRADUATED

Today was the first step of the rest of my journey. Here we go.

I only started crying after about 30 minutes of the graduation ceremony had gone by! So I think I deserve some credit for that.

Embarrassing moment? Here we go. The Honors students were being recognized, and the principal said that everyone with a GPA of 4.4 or higher should stand, and I heard 4.0 so I stood and quickly realized my mistake and sat back down. I'm sure a ton of people kept watching me thinking 'oh that girl has no idea what's going on' and they were right. So that was embarrassing.

When I was driving after graduation, I felt that I should put on some deodorant, so I got it out and was about to at a stoplight when a cute guy in the car next to me gave me the sexy eye. And then I was like 'well, I still need to put this on' so I did and he laughed at me and drove away. SO... That was cool.

I'm just super smart in general and am always so suave it's insane.

Anyway I spent a ton of the day going to and fro to graduation parties, and that was fun. I even spent an hour at my own! And got a ton of money.

I can't wait to go to Indiana! Fuckyeah fuckyeah

Don't feel like writing? Doing it anyway?

I guess I'm done with high school... Feels almost like it's just another day. But I know it's not.

Today I watched Something Borrowed and it was worse than I hoped.. But still sweet. Then I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and it was worse than I expected. And that was disappointing.

Poop. I have to change my orientation time for CU, which sucks, because the site is down for maintenance and I can't do anything until Monday. I just wish I could fix it now. Poop ploop.

:) I should get some waterproof mascara for when I cry at graduation. Unless I don't cry! That'd be cool. But I've been a water factory for the past week so it's hard to hope for something like that. Crycrycry. It's satisfying, though, since when I stop crying I feel really cleansed.

I will follow you into the dark

Jeezus. All the yearbook signing, all the it's-your-last-day teacher speeches, all the long-long-long hugs.. All of it was just bullets. The i'm-going-to-make-you-cry gun was firing bullets all day long at my nostalgia-organ. So, yeah, it hit me a couple of times. And, yeah, I cried. I'm not going to lie - Fairview didn't make me who I am, and I am ready to leave. But going there was a gift. It has given me so many opportunities and it so hard to believe it's over. Just like that.

But anywayy let me go through what I did today.

I went to school, listened to some eulogies (and looked down so I wouldn't have to make eye contact with the speakers - especially this one girl who I don't specifically like) in LA, and left early. Then I went to Chinese, where I was theoretically supposed to turn in this study guide all filled out (yeah fuck that) and take a listening test. But guess what! The listening tape the district sent us only had German, French, and Spanish! So no listening test occurred. And no study guide was turned in. And I just didn't take the final. So, cool, I guess?

Then I figured out that I want to go to Leeds School of Business by talking more with Ms. Gifford and I talked to my mom and she was finally okay with my college decision and I felt so relieved and ready and just radically happy that I could move on without constantly fighting my parents about my future. And I called the guy so I could switch.

Theeeeeen I went to Ksoops and got some chips for the journalism partay, then to Physics where we watched The Prestige (fuck yeah fuck yeah it was so cool) and Mr. Guthrie gave this little speech and I cried.

After Physics, Ryan and Mark and Ashley and Slick and I went to Noodles and ate yummy food. Then Ryan and I went to the journalism party, which was fun, but super sad also because there was so much crying involved. Also I got this yearbook signing unsolicited from someone who I really didn't expect to sign it, and suddenly I opened it and there it was.. And it was really nice. But I just felt weird about it since we don't talk at all and it just seemed time-inappropriate. But it's all good in the hood.

After Journalism, I went to Digital Art and Design, where I watched a couple of presentations and we left early. Then I went to the dentist and it turns out that my wisdom teeth are super late bloomers and probably won't come in for at least another year so I don't have to worry about them! Coolio.

Then I hung out with Tyler and co. and played apples to apples and won. I've never lost. I don't know why that is, because the game so depends on who you're playing it with. But I'm still super proud that I've never lost. But it's not about winning or losing - it's the process, which is super fun. It was raining super dooper hard by the time I left and I called Mark because I said I would and

Mark and I decided to watch a movie! So about an hour later he picked me up and we ate some cereal (me) and quesadilla (him) at his house, then went to go watch Everything Must Go. With Will Ferrell. And, no offense, Will, but not your best movie. I felt depressed at least a good 93% of the time. Which, I guess, makes it art or something, but I still didn't enjoy most of it. There were a few funny parts, though. And Mark liked it, so that counts for something.

I'm super glad Mark and I are friends. And I'm glad he and Ashley are doing so well. It makes me really happy to see my friends so happy. I feel the same way about Tyler and Lindsay. It's just sweet. But it also kind of makes me super anxious because when they're having trouble, I feel super nervous for them and I feel all this suspense and get all wrapped up in it and worry abou tit. But that's what friendship is, sometimes.

I'm done with high school... I can't believe it. How does it just vanish? Craycray.

I just can't date a dude with a vag - Kesha

You know when you have a ton of emotion about something and in the back of your mind the logical part of you is like 'listen, buddy, you're really overreacting and you should calm down' and the emotional side of you is like 'shut the fuck up, this is affecting me and I need to acknowledge it!'

Well, it kind of feels like civil war. And it sucks. And it often happens to me at that time of the month. Thanks mother nature.

I bought the new Kesha album, Cannibal, and I'm sorry if she's considered trashy and not talented - I really enjoy her music. I honestly have no hesitation in saying my taste in music is very dictated by what's popular. I'm super mainstream. And really, whatever people make me listen to I usually like. The only things I can't stand are bagpipes.

Poop ploop. I feel so... I don't know. I have this huge appetite for movies. I have so many movies I want to see and I don't really even care if I see them with people. Like... I really just don't. I will gladly watch them by myself - I just have so many I want to watch.

:D Loving life

We in the bed like OOH OOOH OOHH

I've got a feeling - that this year's gonna be a good year.

Fuck yeah!!

Everything rocks! I mean, obviously there are always parts of life you'd like to improve or alter slightly, but in general god FUCK I'm happy with the way things are. All my problems are so miniscule! It's hard to even call them problems. Dayumm.

This weekend I'm going camping like a hobo (as if it's my job), then to school for three days (but it'll be fake WASSAP), then to Elitch's (roller coasters suck on that), then I'm graduating!! There's nothing better.

But I've been having a lot of feelings about leaving Fairview. Today I cried four times at school just because I started feeling so nostalgic.. I don't know. It's just that all those acquaintances that I see every day and am friendly with - it's them I know I won't stay in touch with. Them I'll see in five years and be like '
whoa you're married and have three kids already?' or 'I didn't realize you could hit homeless in such a short time' or 'you married a multi-millionaire? that's awesome but you're probably a bitchassho.' It's just crazy to me that I'm so close to being done. Most of my relationships will probably turn obsolete. And that is so freaking bittersweet.

Poop ploop.

Poop Ploop

So I've been posting a lot on my private blog because I've been having a lot of emotions and needed to vent and brag a lot and I don't want to subject regular humans to my ramblings.

But life is good. People are amazing. There are people who literally get made fun of every day who follow their dreams anyway and break out of the everyday mold and just do what they want. People are so amazing - their ability to be and survive and love each other through thick and thin and mistakes and faults... it is just fucking amazing to me. I don't know if I'll ever be a mother - I would seriously fuck a kid up and I wouldn't be responsible and I would have to give up my whole life, but if I ever become one I believe it'll be okay. Because people support each other and they adapt and they learn so fucking quickly...

Damn.

Also I'm super whiny and I've been realizing that people can probably only stand all my flaws because all my good qualities shine the more brightly. So I think I want to just be myself and stop judging myself and contradicting myself and second-guessing myself and being insecure - who needs insecurities, anyway? SO fuck all that shit. And life is a learning process. You can learn whatever you want, but you learn to live until the day you die. Mr. Ebadi said that - that man is wise. And super sarcastic and hilarious. But so wise when he gets serious! Jeez. I want to be wise.

I can't wait to go camping this weekend!! I'll have already taken the physics test so I won't have to worry about that! And then next Friday we're going to Elitch's! And then graduating!! Eek, time is moving so quickly. Damnnnn.

Brodiggity bro

I got this new keyboard and it is so niceee. The buttons are so pleasing to push! I can't even describe the feeling. I have to get used to the new distance between the buttons and the pressure with which I must press them to get a result, but it's just really nice. I was afraid at first that I spent 20 dollars on a keyboard that didn't work when it didn't work but then I refreshed my computer and it was aight.

Also I can't wait to go camping this weekend. Also I can't wait to graduate!!!!!! EEK I'm so close.

Also I can't wait to work and meet new people.

And go to college.

Man I love college.

Not Much to Write About

I cannot wait to start working this summer. I just want to meet new people (which makes me want to go to college super badly but until then my only opportunity to meet new people probably is if i get a job). So I want to work at the apple store, and as soon as I turn 18 I have the option of working either back at Le Peep or at White House Black Market. And maybe I'll work at Ameritech with Ashley? That could be fun. Or I could work at the Ritz. But it'd be cool to work somewhere fun. As much fun as Le Peep was....................


Well. Anyway.

I feel super independent and having my parents there to lean on is nice but I really want to just go out there and take my life into my own hands.

Good night.

Pewp

Sooooooo I know it's only hair, and it's no big deal or anything, but I still think you should only cut off how much you say you're going to cut off. So.. Lady, don't be angry at me for not leaving a tip - it's your own fault for lying to me. 1 inch is not the same as 2 inches, no matter how you spin it.

So I got a trim. Except I'm being insecure about it and I think it's very obvious that it's much shorter than it was. But oh well, it'll grow back. My hair grows quickly, so it should be fine.

My nails are really gross from taking the acrylics off. It looks like I sold the top three layers for crack or something. It's disGUSTing.

The AP tests went well. For CALC BC I'm expecting a 3 just to be safe but honestly I can see myself getting a 5. For Lit. and Comp. I can see myself getting a 4 but I would be happy with a 3. SOOO that's that.

I'm graduating in 17 days!!!

I only have 9 more days of school!

Basically, from here on out high school will not be a big deal. And then I'll be a high school graduate. Which is a big deal in some places! I will be a Fairview alumnus!! Joining the ranks.

I hope I succeed in life - whatever it is that I choose to do. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up being something super obscure that I don't even know exists right now. Maybe I'll become a teacher - which is something I cannot see myself doing EVER. Maybe... I don't know.

It's all so exciting.

Inspiration

Go for it. If there's something you want, just go get it because no one is going to spoon feed it to you. You can wait until the end of the world, but unless you go out and at least try to get it you'll never know if it's meant to be.

Sometimes, waiting is more comfortable. But if you really want something, you won't need to wait for the 'right' moment.

V

Above Average =/= Excellent

I'm not feeling the blogs anymore.. I'm getting caught up in the fact that it's public and it has stopped being for me, which is why I've been writing a lot on my private blog but not on this one.

But I feel bad, and I miss this one, too, in a way. So here we are.

I have decided to stop being so much of a hater. I give everyone a fresh chance every time we meet (except for some people.... but whatever) and if they blow it every time then I stop. But they have that chance until they blow it every time.

And prom was super fun.

And most things are good.

Smile :)

NoName

Dear Internet,
I'm excited for PROM!! It should be really fun. In general I'm excited for this new stage of life - done with high school, looking forward to summer and college.
I can't wait to go camping.
I can't wait to have unlimited (or as close as it gets) time.
I am pumpedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Thank you for reading.

I feel so independent. And grown up. And ready to let go and dive into the deep unknown. Where is that line from? I can't remember. I looked it up on google. Nothing helpful.

Time for bed.

WASAP MAH N-WORDS

Haven't blogged in a while. I don't feel like writing much.

I have been hating on everything for the past month, but a few days ago a bunch of people commented on it and I thought maybe I should just try to tolerate everything for a few days and see how that goes. And guess what! It's way better. When I don't have an opinion set against something already, I often enjoy it much more than I would've.

I love new beginnings. I turn over new leaves kind of often but it makes me feel like anything is achievable if only I start over and try again and try harder and keep going, you know? And leaving the old leaf behind with all its regrets and failures is nice, too - though I keep it in mind so I don't do them all over again. I think I'm starting a new leaf currently, with college and growing up and errithang. It's exciting.

Soon the AP exams will be upon us. I don't think I'm ready, but oh fucking well. :) Life is good; I'm enjoying it; AP exams don't matter.

LOVE LOVE LOVE
Vally

Bittersweet

Today was senior ditch day and 4-20. That was nice. Except I don't smoke, and I didn't ditch. So all my classes were super easy and fun (except math, in which I didn't do well on a quiz) and it was like ditching, only I was at school.

Crapola I don't feel prepared for the AP Calc BC exam.

A couple of my friends don't have prom dates and I'm really feeling empathy.. Not having a date to senior prom when literally all your friends do (you know, except for the other two) would feel SOO BAD. I.. Jeez. How shallow, that we base some of our self-worth off of our relationships with others, but still! Being human is about relationships with others. SO it matters.

I'm tired. Good night :)

Donee

Tomorrow's 4-20! Time to smoke a fatty bowl! Just kidding.

Not the biggest fan of marijuana, not going to lie. It's just not exciting. It only serves as a drain of fun for me. So no thank you. But have fun everyone who is going to get super highh.

Today was cool. Nothing of interest happened. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I can't wait for summer - today Caty and I hung out for a while and it was just so nice, sitting around, not thinking about our responsibilities for a couple of hours... It was great. And this summer I don't think I'm going to have a job so basically that means I will hang out with all my loves 24-7!!!!! Time to partay. Wholesome, though.

I'm planning my graduation party. Should be fun.

Life is good in the hood, except for my AP tests coming up that I'm totally not ready for. Should be good. Awesome sauce. I can't wait for prom. I can't wait for summer. I need to get out of Fairview.

Stick-shift!

I really want a stick shift car. I realize that it's just materialistic and I'm always wanting new things, but I still want it. The reason is it seems it would require more focus - thereby both making it fun and helping to keep the driver concentrated on the road and avoiding crashes. Also stick shift cars are cheaper. Also basically everyone I know drives stick and I want to fit in.

That was only half a joke.

So on Saturday I woke up way earlier than I wanted to so I could go to Saturday School. That was SUPER FUN - except for being not fun at all. The first three hours were super productive, but then I just ran out of cranial power. Ashley was super impressive and kept working and I felt jealous, but when I read more questions it just sounded like gibberish and I could not conceptualize what anything meant anymore. SOOOO now I know I should get enough sleep before the test and I for sure need to review math. Fucking a. After that I went home and wrote a bunch of paragraphs about why I rock (I mean, classier than that, but I feel that's a lot of what applying for things is) for this scholarship, then went to Pearl street and walked around for a while. I visited Mel at the Ritz, which was fun (I found this super awesome flower hair clip that was way too big to be tasteful but looked good, but it cost $18 which was ungodly). After that, I drove to Denver to hang with my little brother Daniel and saw my dad and step-mom. In the night I hung out with Tyler and Emily and Caty and some other cool cats, which was nice but we stayed up super late which made it really hard to get up this morning.

Today I went to Russian and realized that it's all well and good that I go to Russian school and I'm sure it's made a big difference in my literacy, but I will not be excellent until I live in Russia for a while. I need to figure out how to incorporate Russia into my life. Maybe study abroad?

After Russian I went to three different dry-cleaning places that were all closed. Which sucked. Finally I just saw one on the way home after I was basically giving up and dropped off some stuff there. I have never dry cleaned anything before.. I wonder what the technology looks like? When I got home I did some physics (which, as I'm sure you can imagine, was thrilling). I don't really care, though, because at this point I don't value Fairview's anything except the academic environment, which is super easy to excell in if you want to. I'm done pretending I love all the people, I'm done being unnecessarily nice. If you're not sure if I like you, a good way to double-check is to ask yourself these questions:
1) When I walk up to her, does Vally seem invested in our conversation? Or does she answer with one word and leave quickly?
2) When I talk to her, does Vally smile?
3) When I walk up to a group, do I see Vally walk away?
Because the truth is, I'm not downright mean to anyone (at least I don't think I am). If I don't like someone, I just don't waste time interacting with them. I'd rather be alone than be with a group of people I like and someone I really don't appreciate.

Christ! I am suuuuper self-involved. At least it must seem this way in this blog. But the truth is I care a lot about my friends. It's just this blog is for me. Sooo I guess it makes sense that it's self involved.

I went to Denver again to hang with Dima's parents (my grandparents) and Kirill and I tried to go swimming but the water was wayy too cold for me. We ate dinner and came home.

I have basically been falling asleep all day, and I think it's time to actually do that.
Self help may seem dumb, but it's actually a great way to maintain a positive outlook and look back and realize accomplishment. I read this huge thing for CU today about how to succeed in the engineering department, and it was super helpful. Okay now I'm going to bed.

Honor

Since the last time I posted, I feel a lot has happened. Monday I went to Washington DC, spent the day eating and lounging around the condo with my BYBA girlies. Tuesday we went lobbying and met with several legislative assistants and took a picture with Perlmutter. Talia, Gaelyn, and I spoke at the congressional briefing. It was awesome. Wednesday we hung out, ate, and went back home. Thursday morning I missed Chinese to go get this award for being an outstanding youth leader, which was awesome and I felt super honored, then I went to Chinese with Mark, Ryan, Ashley, and Slick. After hanging out, I went to ten minutes of Digital Art and Design 2, only to leave to go give a BYBA presentation to Manhattan Middle School 8th graders.

After all of that, I went to work out and suddenly was in a super angry venty mood and just yelled at 24 hour fitness, venting to Mel for like an hour. I apologized at the end for being so whiny, but she was totally nice about it. God, even just remembering it makes me angry. I whined about prom, my parents (I love them but sometimes they accidentally shrink my clothes), my love life, my academic life, my singing, and who knows what else? It felt neverending. But we figured out that we live crazy close, which was cool.

After that I went home, did a bunch of physics, then went to Ryan's for a The Office party. The episode this week was so good! Also Parks and Rec was hilarious.

Today was Friday, Friday, and you'd better believe I got down. I have SO MUCH WORK to catch up on. But it's okay because I'm on it. For LA it's not too bad, just annotating poems and do this timed writing, Chinese is a joke (I love it but there's no work), in math we didn't do anything concrete really, and mostly it's just physics I'm worried about. I have to make up this really long test. But that's next Thursday and I have a ton of time and it'll be fine. It's just that a ton of people have told me it's long and hard like a cock.

During Journalism today, I got asked to prom! It was super unexpected because I thought Stan was going to ask Emily, but then he asked me! It's funny because I guess all my friends already knew, but didn't tell me so it'd be a surprise. I love surprises.
PLAY BY PLAY
I walk into the Jlab, say hi to people, ask Stan if he got a new haircut, he says yes, I say it looks good, we all sit down to listen to Eli (who has really become a leader! jeez, it's kind of impressive how much he's changed, just between being a section editor to being editor in chief), and Stan yells wait! And tries to say something in Russian while walking towards me with flowers. What he said was mostly incomprehensible, but I figured - what else could he be asking me? So that was cool.

In Digital Art and Design 2 we're watching Ironman 2. It's so cool and also it's funny because there's this 'Russian' villain who can't speak Russian or even pretend for shit. I just laugh at his attempts. Also they portray Moscow winters as summer compared to what they are in real life. The guy was wearing like a tank top and a jacket unzipped. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but even badasses bundle up - way up - for winter in Russia.

After school I hung out with Mark and Rick and Ryan and Ashley and a bunch of others came later. It was pretty fun but eventually I was tired and wasn't feeling it anymore so I went home.
AHHH I'm so tired and this blog has drained the last of my energy. Good night and good luck.

Cambell's soup is gross

Today I went to Russian and was in a really bad mood because my partner that I go with didn't finish our homework.. Then I hung out at my house until it was time to console Kirill because he was nervous for the concert, then I went to pick up my reliable friends and went to the concert, where I sang very mediocre-ly and my family and friends told me I did well (probably out of pity).

We had dinner at Carraba's and it was really good and I was in a really good mood and my mom and I just had a really meaningful, long conversation, and in a few hours I"m headed off to Washington DC for two days.

Cool beans.

Poopoopoo

I try to be nice, but the truth is I think a lot of people suck and I'd rather not be sugary sweet to someone else than lie to myself and be little miss perfect to everyone. Some people just don't deserve my good side. I'm not saying they shouldn't live great lives and achieve great things and shit, I just don't want any part of it because there are some people that I just really don't like. Tolerating them is very difficult. So I spend time with people I enjoy. Yay.

Today I wrote my blog for yesterday and went to White House Black Market, where I found a dress to wear to the concert later today (because it's after 12 AM, hah) and found out that the manager will hire me, she just doesn't know if she can hire under 18. So in any case, once I turn 18 I have a place I can work. Actually, I can work at two places, but I think I need a change of pace from Le Peep. It was great experience, but right now it just doesn't appeal to me as much as WHBM.

After that, I went to my rehearsal, which went really well, then hung out with Mark, Ryan, and Ashley. We played some ping pong, made a fire, watched some fireworks, then watched Hot Tub Time Machine. That was super funny.

Tomorrow is my concert!! Wait, today. I hope it goes well.

Urine soup

Yesterday was friday, friday, gotta get down on friday! I think I'll be thinking of that song every friday for a while. Oh, Rebecca Black. Fame comes in many lights, and I'm afraid yours isn't very bright.

After a pretty good but tiring day at school I drove Caty home, went home and finished watching Front of the Class (a movie about Tourrets syndrome that I saw a bunch of in Costa Rica. I really liked the main actor, and couldn't find the movie here for a long time. But I finally found it and watched the part I didn't have time to finish on vacation). Gaelyn soon picked me up, I drove us to Flatirons to meet Talia and we three had a nice night hanging out.

I've been playing way too much Words With Friends. It's really fun and addicting, but it drains my phone's battery and I could be spending that time on something productive.. But life isn't all about productivity, so fuck that.

It turns out that Monica (my voice teacher) went to White House Black Market on Friday, too, and had a nice conversation with the manager. She basically put in a glowing word for me, about how I'm so excited to work there and told her she should get a cute outfit there because they have great clothes and how I'm just the best in every way and all that, and Lori (the manager) said she loved me or whatever but she's waiting for me to turn 18. So though they haven't called me yet, I figure I have a good chance of working there once I'm 18. Which will only be in about three months! How exciting! I can go to CU and work and have nice clothes all at the same time!

Speaking of CU, today I got a letter saying my housing application was confirmed and in late May I should get another correspondence letting me know which dorm I'm staying in, the room number, my roommate's name (if applicable), my address, and other information about moving in and shit. So I'm excited about that.

I can't wait to go camping! Whenever I'm outside at night I look at the sky and it's beautiful, but I always just imagine how much better it would be if I was in the mountains. I cannot wait. I should probably get a tent so I don't have to rely on my camping companions for that. Also I think people might be getting sick of my camping zeal. I hope that doesn't stop them from going camping with me!

I really hope Ashley can come on the trip to Indiana, because it just wouldn't be the same without her.

I love my prom dress.

I love country music.

My concert is tomorrow!! I hope my voice doesn't suck. I wonder what I'll wear.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Smile, Big Brother is Watching

Today was so good!! I woke up at 7:04 (usually leave my house at around 7:00) and left at 7:17. I was a bit late to Chinese.. But I don't think anyone noticed. I told Mrs. Gao I was going to CU and would keep coming to her to learn Chinese and she said I could marry her son (because I guess he goes to CU?) and I was like oh that's lovely. And she was like "I'd like you as a daughter-in-law" and I said "Awwww" but it was actually really flattering! I mean, there are several teachers I've had that I actually like a lot and have influenced me a lot and I really WOULD like them to be part of my family. It's just that the way social dynamics work, it would be really weird if I started inviting them over and stuff.. Darn. Maybe after I graduate and give them all my graduation gifts and all that we can have meaningful conversations about how much their teaching has meant to me. Oh my god, I just teared up thinking about it.
Whatapuss. I actually hate that word - pussy - it's so dirty and sounds gross and I don't like it. But oh well.

After school I went to work out, then came home and did virtually nothing. Eventually I did some physics and now I'm going to go to bed.

I want some new shoes. I found really cute heels at Famous Footwear for only $15!! Maybe I'll go back tomorrow and if they're still there I'll know it's a sign that they're meant for me. God, they were great.

Today I offered to do a favor for Ms. Lealman and the favor is turning out to be really big. I have to find out what all the seniors from Knight Crew are doing next year (gap year, college, etc, and what they're studying at college). But actually out of about sixty seniors, I only have 21 left to fill in. So I would say I've done a pretttty good job so far. Damn I'm good.

Going Commando is Freeing

Would taking a girlfriend to prom be weird? Would people think I'm lesbian? Because I'm considering it.

Today I had a pretty successful day. I brought a shit ton of work home, only to not do any. Physics was fun, I watched Ryan and Jordan freestyle and really wanted to but knew that my shitty rap would be 100x worse than theirs... Which, if I think about it, really isn't that bad or surprising, since I'm a white girl who never freestyles. I should've just tried. I think freestyling is so cool.
I went and gave a BYBA presentation over at Shining Mountain Middle with Gaelyn and Robin, which was cool. Then I went to my voice lesson, and then to my job interview. It went really well, I thought. The only thing is that I'm not 18 yet and the woman interviewing me wasn't sure whether or not she could hire me until I am.

I did basically nothing at home after all of that, but on the bright side I feel much more relaxed. I'm super tired. Good night all y'all.

What if You Could Fly Away?

Today after school Ashley and I were productive and did some math, then I went to BYBA, and interviewed with YOAB for a grant, then went home and was productive and did some work on Beloved and some work for Russian, watched Parenthood, and spent way too long deciding what to wear to my job interview tomorrow. Interviewing with White House Black Market!! I've wanted to work there for months. I hope my outfit isn't too casual - it's just a plain black long-sleeved shirt that's tight and not too low cut, a black pencil skirt with tan horizontal lines on it.. I figure I'll wear pantyhose and black flats and wear my hair half up? Agh, stressing about it won't help, but I really want to work there.

So I won this award for an outstanding youth volunteer and there's a breakfast for it next week.. I guess it's worth missing school for, but I've been missing a lot of school lately. But I actually don't really care about that, I just don't want my grade in math to drop any farther down. That's kind of shallow of me. But I do really like math, I just don't want to be in school anymore.

Poop. Good night and good luck.

Colorado - Hell, Yeah it Snows in April!

Today I was soo tired. But I found, once again, more evidence to support my life strategy. In the morning I was just super tired, but then I went to math, where I didn't really get anything and got really frustrated and started tearing up and it sucked a lot because I knew if I cried everyone would look and think 'oh my god look at that weird girl who's crying over math' so I couldn't just let it out and I had to sit there in frustration. This isn't the evidence, though. Right after that, it was lunchtime, and I wasn't feeling it and didn't really want to be with anyone because of math, but at one point I thought:
-Goddamnit! This sucks
-Why don't I just smile and be happy? (at which point I smiled and felt a little better but was enjoying wallowing too much so I stopped)
-I want to keep feeling bad, but feeling bad sucks. So I'm going to stop now. (at which point I smiled again, and felt a gazillion times better!)

So basically the point of this is that happiness (at least for me) is a choice. I felt like feeling bad, so I did, and when I was finished with that, I chose to be happy. And the rest of the day was great, though I was super exhausted for basically no reason.

After school, I went to work out and realized I forgot my workout clothes at home in a bag. So I raced home to get them, fell asleep for twenty minutes, got up and took my clothes to the gym. Which is where I realized I left my sneakers at home (they're normally in my car, so I assumed they were there still but instead made an ass out of u and me). So I worked out anyway in my flats, and Mel laughed at me but let me wear her 8 1/2 size sneakers for a while. My feet are size 6. So that was fun, haha, it's surprising how rarely I noticed my toes wiggling around in the extra inch and a half of space I had.. I'm so dumb sometimes.

I got home and after eating some snacks I read for a while and fell asleep at around 5:30, and all of a sudden I woke up and it was 8:30. Jesus. At least it was a good nap. I started some homework and applied for housing at CU (who knew that would be such a pain in the ass?). And here we are. So I was going to write the page about Beloved and milk and shit, but I think I'd rather go to bed and do that later. Lazy. Poop. Smile.

Double Recap All The Way

I guess I'll recap the past two days.

Friday was a pretty good day, I was glad when it was over. I went to ripple (NIPPLE) and didn't want froyo so while Tyler and Lindsay and Emily and Ian and co. were there I went to King Soopers and bought nail clippers and waterproof mascara. I've been needing those (nailclippers were lost somehow, and I need waterproof mascara for graduation). Then we hung out a bit outside nipple and then Ty drove us all back to fartview. :) Fairview.

I went to work out with my trainer Mel, she's so cool, and I worked out really hard. I'm still pretty sore in my butt and groin. I like working out, except the pain sucks, but I feel really happy while I'm doing it. And refreshed.
I went home to take a shower when Mark was like 'where u at' and I was like 'all up in hurr.' Well, that's not per se what was said but pretty close. So I went to Mark's for an hour to hang out with Ashley and Rick and Mark and watched part of Toy Story 3 when I had to leave to be with Talia. Talia and I had planned to party hardy but were too tired and didn't feel like searching the social jungle out for fun shit. So instead, we ate and bought candy and watched You Again. And went to sleep, some of us earlier than others (fall asleep during the movie).

In the morn' it was Saturday and I went to Russian, then to my performance class, then to White House Black Market (where I scored an interview WHADDAP) where I got my outfit for lobbying in DC. Then I went to pick up Ashley. Poor Ashley, she was in Denver and while she was parallel parking someone hit her, ripped her front bumper off, and drove away. Whaddadick. But she's being a trooper, keeping her chin up and shit. I have been cussing a lot lately, I should change that. Don't want nobody thinking I ain't classy or nothing.

Ashley and I went to the Flatirons Mall to get prom dresses, and got really pretty ones. I got mine from Macy's and Ashley's is from Fusion. Finding hers took a while because we went from store to store and a lot were nice dresses but not THE dress. That's an exaggeration, it's just that at Macy's there wasn't anything great for her, then at Dillard's there was an okay dress but they wouldn't let her put it on hold, but then at Fusion was the number one hit. Also my dress is really pretty.

Thennn Ashley and I came to hang out at my house and started watching She's The Man, which she's heard me talking about a lot before, so she finally got to see where a lot of my crazy spawns. After that, Mark and Zach picked us up and we went to karaoke. That was really fun, I sang Thank You by Dido and Ashley and I sang Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys. It was really nice. Then Ashley and I started watching Bridget Jones' Diary and went to sleep. Partyin Partyin - YEAH - fun, fun, fun!

The Rest of Today

Today was a pretty good day. It feels like school is floating on by, because I care so little about it. Homework? What's that? No, I finish my work. I just basically don't care about it. Although I guess I care enough to do it.. Who knows?

Bah, humbug. Drama up in hurr. Not in my life, but in the lives of my friends still. More friends now with drama. I wish I could help them with it, but it's the kind of drama that can't exactly be fixed. It's not like a dumb fight over a pencil, but more like a situation that is dramatic by nature. I don't know if I can make it make any more sense than that. Basically the drama is caused by external sources, so there's nothing that can be done except wait it out. Which is what I used to always try to do, and I don't know why I stopped.. It used to work beautifully, as far as I can remember. But it must have stopped working well because now I confront most things.

At least, with my close friends I do.

My toleration skills are getting so good!! It used to be I would just walk away when I saw someone I didn't like with people I do like. Now I can sit as long as thirty minutes with them before needed to excuse myself. Progress is awesome.

In my Chinese class we're doing these competition things, which I don't actually care about, but I know that if I didn't have to be on a team I would win it all. My team is bringing me down. Who cares that there's no I in team? There's an I in win. And that's what I'd be doing if everyone wasn't such a dumbass. But if every kid wasn't such a dumbass, then maybe I couldn't win against them.. Hmm interesting thought. Still, when I'm in Chinese, homicide doesn't sound as crazy.

Speaking of Chinese, today at Tsing Tao I had really yummy food.

In my math class, I was surprised to figure out that I know the names of 19 kids out of like 30! That's awesome! At first I thought it was like 7. And then, I kept counting people I recognized, and it was so shocking! In a sort of pleasant way. Even though I dislike most of the people in the class, knowing most of their names makes me feel more justified in disliking them. Like if no one knew Hitler's name, I think they'd dislike him less, because he'd be kind of anonymous. Knowing who someone is makes that person significantly more relateable/hateable. I'm just having a lot of brain blasts here, who knows where they're coming from?

Today at BYBA a few other members and I talked to our Public Relations person to see if we can get some publicity about our trip to DC to go lobby for the FREED Act. That was cool.

Someone anonymous said I decided to shun him or her in a comment, and I just wanted to acknowledge that person. If I decided to shun you, there was probably a reason for it, and that comment was abrasive in its nature and it's a good thing I don't know who you are or I think you'd be embarrassed, which is why I'm speculating you're staying anonymous. No hard feelings, I just wonder why you would want to make yourself known in that way.

Today I posted a quote from This Side of Paradise by Fitzgerald on my tumblr; I think that'll be less like a blog and more like a place to put my quick random thoughts. Maybe it'll be fun.

What a random post. This series of random thoughts... Ah well.

College Admissions

I didn't get into NYU, so I'm going to CU!! I'm pretty excited. I literally found out a few minutes ago, so the internet is the first to know besides my family (who I just emailed). I'll blog again later, but I just wanted to get my thoughts out right now.

I'm really not disappointed, which is almost surprising. I didn't build my hopes up, because I didn't know what I wanted to do. And now that it's decided for me, I can look forward to knowing so many people and being so close to home and being able geographically to keep up relationships with my family! And I can stay in BYBA. And I'm happy.

Woohoo

A Lot of This is About Drama

Today I had the first day of school after spring break. It was super. Except for I am pretty done with school - now senioritis is really killing me. Mark said something about being way more productive outside of school than inside, which hit me hard. I have so many extra curricular activities that I do things for, and I get so much done and I'm so interested in it - but when I have to do stuff for school nowadays it just seems so pointless..
Oh well.

My sunburn is slowly getting better. Today it was peeling - it was really gross. But also the new baby skin feels so soft compared to the crusty gross sunburnt skin that's peeling off. It's really nice. But it also hurts and looks disgusting. Like fear factor disgusting.

There is kind of a lot of drama going on with one of my friend groups, which is kind of nice. It means I don't have to talk about my own drama. It's not like I have any to talk about, but when everyone else is discussing theirs, I get to thinking 'do I have any drama in my life?' and I start digging around for it until I have something to complain about. And I hate complaining. So when other people take over that part of conversation, I can stay positive.

You know when you have a relationship with someone that you know should stay the way it is for external reasons, but on the inside you really want something different? Like one time I had a crush on a teacher of sorts, and ended up quitting because I got too excited when our knees touched. Or I dislike a lot of people but for the sake of community and unity and kindness I'm nice to them, to keep things drama-free. Well now I'm going through something like that, and it sucks.

Also I have been thinking about prom, and there isn't really anyone I want to go with, but I want to have a date, but I'm wondering.. Would it really be that bad to fly solo? I think it would be. Damn.

TV and Life and Death

Today I did a lot of thinking. Soulsearching type of stuff, though it sounds kind of holier-than-thou to say it like that. Ashley drove me in the morning to get my car from Mark's, and I was on my way to get gas when I passed my grandpa's memorial park. My grandpa had a huge effect on my life and how I live it, but believe it or not I've only been there twice before. I went there on his funeral (May 2009), and couldn't stop crying for one minute, and spent a lot of the summer crying at night and thinking about him. Or maybe I should call it thinking 'to' him, because I hoped (and still do) that he could hear my thoughts, wherever he was. I won't go into it, but I'm not religious, but I really didn't (and still don't) want him to be gone. I went to his grave once more a while later, and spent about a half hour sitting by his gravestone crying. So because crying always takes a lot of energy and it's embarrassing to sit alone and cry in public, I have avoided ever going to his grave.. really, since he died.

So to get on with it, today I went, and spent a solid ten minutes crying. After that, though, I had another good while of me thinking to him, 'telling' him about my life, how he has affected it, how my grandma's doing.. Stuff like that. And after a while, I realized that no matter how shitty a situation can seem, life always goes on. Like two years ago, when he died, I couldn't go more than a few minutes without thinking about his not being alive. After a while, it was more like a few hours. Then I could go a few days. And now, it's not like I don't remember him, or care, or love him, or anything, it's just that he's not as much a part of my life anymore. I just don't think about him much anymore. But I still remember him like it was yesterday when I stormed to my grandparents' house, upset with some boyfriend (who it was I can't even for sure remember) and he comforted me like I was a baby.

Anyway, I realized life goes on, and it changes. All you will have in the end is memories, so you'd better make good ones. That just adds support to my life strategy, which I adhere to as much as possible (only spending time with people you enjoy, as much as you can).

So then I went home, did some Chinese, finished watching The Terminal (Ryan - I get why you said it was sad. I admit I cried a little, but it still had a happy ending!), read some Machine of Death (a collection of stories by random people about a machine who can tell you how you'll die), went to BYBA (where Carmen and I discussed the speech I'm making in Washington DC in a couple of weeks), went to my grandma's to eat, came home and wrote my speech and watched the new episode of Parenthood.

Parenthood is so good, I don't know why people aren't talking about it more. I'm hooked for sure.

Recap

The last few days I didn't really have access to a computer, so I didn't post anything about being in Costa Rica. Just as well; I didn't do much. I relocated to the Flamingo resort in what I think was Guanacosta or something, and lounged around. The beach was awesome but it smelled like fish, like any beach, and the water was super salty, like any ocean. I normally prefer the pool to the beach, just because it doesn't have sand or salt. But I'm also terrified of the sun, so if I can, I avoid being in the water for too long no matter what.

The last day, I got a gnarly sunburn that gave me these gross bubble type things on my shoulder with puss in them. Ew. It's better now, but it was super gross and painful.

Yesterday I traveled back home and had a great night's sleep in my own bed (imagine angels singing in heaven - it was THAT good), got up in the morning and went to work out, then hung at home to catch up on my shows and do some Chinese. After all of that, I went to Mark's to hang out, did some dancing and some pingponging, which was nice. I played Ryan and felt very competent, like a much fairer match for him. Go ping pong skillz!!

We all hung out with Phil later, and I caught up with some people I haven't seen in a while, which was nice. Now I'm going to sleep with Ashley.

Haha.

Biology Is Cool

Today I felt like myself, but just really crampy. So I sat around and read a bunch of Beloved, wrote an effects statement, and eventually put on sun screen to go play water polo. Afterwards, I took a wonderful shower, then we went out to dinner. Throughout the meal I was trying not to fall asleep; I must be getting old or something.

It doesn't seem like chefs in Costa Rica are big fans of salt - I can't eat all these bland foods without it! I guess for me something either needs to have obvious taste or be spicy or something, otherwise I salt it to death. I had grilled mahi mahi in ginger sauce, steamed vegetables, and mashed potatoes. It was great, but I couldn't finish...

Have you ever tried really hard not to think about something? It always seems that when I try to keep something out of my head, that's when I most obsess over it. I keep trying to distract myself, but somehow things keep reminding me of it and it's like the world is telling me it's time to confront what I'm avoiding.. Or something. I've never been good at interpretation.

Tomorrow we're relocating to a hotel in a less remote part of Costa Rica and supposedly there will actually be people there. By that I mean there will be people my age. Here the population basically consists of middle aged couples, old couples, families with young children, and the party I'm with (we figured out that our average age is 34. We have ten people: my family of four, Liza's family of four, and Tanya and her daughter Anya).

Gosh, rereading my blog I wonder why anyone would read it.. I think maybe I just won't reread it anymore because it's very therapeutic to get all my thoughts out. It's like I have this empty, bottomless vessel that I can pour all my problems and feelings into. Which is nice, because I myself am an empty, bottomless vessel of feelings and problems. What a symbiotic relationship.

PMS

Yesterday I felt kind of off. Like something was missing, but more ambiguous. It was strange; to paraphrase Mark Beaty I wanted to be alone but actually felt lonely and wanted to be with people, but when I was with people I just felt like I wanted to be alone.. If that makes any sense. I just wasn't feeling like myself so after going swimming with Kirill for like an hour I read all day long.

I found Augusten Burroughs' memoir, Running With Scissors, and read it. Normally it takes me at least a few days to read a book, but I was just so not motivated to read Beloved (for school) that I devoured Running With Scissors. I don't know if I'm a fast reader or if I just read a lot.

I have a zit. It sucks. And I'm surrounded by women who hate their bodies, and constantly talk about dieting, working out, and changing them. At first it just seems like they want to be healthy but after a while the talk becomes like a virus, and I'm worried it's starting to infect me. How do you console others without starting to face their problems as your own?

Nature

Today I was in a bad mood for a while for no reason.. That sucked. But at least I went on a really cool hike and saw geisers and mud boiling. That was awesome. It was called Rincon de la Vieja, and we didn't have enough time to go to the actual volcano, but we hiked all around it for around three hours.

In the evening we arrived at our beach abode. I took a shower because I felt the dirtiest I've ever been in my life, after that long hike (I was covered from head to toe in dust and I could swipe a finger across my leg and see brown dirt). We all went to the beach (which is MAYBE 150 meters away), then the pool (which was like 20 meters away from the ocean), then back to our rented villas to change and go to dinner (I had mahi mahi, which I've never had before, which was freaking AWESOME, with mango sauce). After eating, Sasha and Anya and Liza and I went to town to get groceries, and since we came back we've just been having fun.

Loving spring break.
Loving it.

Catch up and Current

Yesterday we went up to the volcano Arenal, but it was too cloudy for us to see details.. Also it's an active volcano so we couldn't climb up so see it up close. So basically we just climbed and hiked for a while and enjoyed good conversation. We went to this great local restaurant called Maravillo, where certain people in our party tried the 'Cuba libre' which is rum, a splash of coke, and a slice of lime. It literally means 'free Cuba' in Spanish... Interesting..

Liza's older brother Sasha and our family friend Anya and Liza and I have been becoming better friends. Sasha and Anya are both adults, and their conversations are pretty entertaining. I love listening to my parents talk - it's almost enriching - but Anya and Sasha have much more relatable stories.

So today we went ziplining, which was super fun (despite our guides seeming very morose.. I was like "why not smile? maybe one time? no? all right," and though I kept trying to start conversations, they were having none of it). After that Anya, Sasha, Liza, and I commandeered our own car (normally my family, Liza's family, and Anya's family all have their own, but this time we made a 'young people' car and gently forced Anya's mom be in Liza's family's car) and listened to what Liza and Anya claimed was good music. I readily accept the fact that my taste in music and movies is depressingly uneducated, so when people say their music is 'good' I just believe them. But excuse me if repetitive techno doesn't seem to be the most cultured music..

We're staying at the Hilton Hotel. It rockssss. Paris, I now understand your shallow qualities. I would be just like you if I was rich.

A bunch of the adults and me met out by the pool at like 10 to talk and stuff, and I (silly me) thought it meant we would swim. Therefore, I was in my swimsuit and was shocked to find everyone completely clothed, not even getting ready for a dip. Since I was already dressed, I decided to take a couple of laps, and it was awesome. Except for the loneliness. So I got out after a bit, and sat with them to dry.

Really fast I'd like to comment on Costa Rica's climate. It's interesting because I always thought of it as like a warm getaway type of place, but in fact that's only the beach part of it. It has mountains everywhere and when you get up there it's windy and rainy and fairly cold (not in the regular sense - it's just a bit chilly. but compared to what I expected, it's cold). So there you go - if you ever come to Costa Rica, pack some pants.

Loving vacation!!!!

Exhaustion = Great Sleep

Today we did a lot of hiking, followed by a lot of swimming and eating. It was great.

I'm dead tired.

Also I found out I'm dumb as hell and forgot that you have to apply to get scholarships... So I'm just now starting to research them. Whatever, psh, who needs money anyway?

I'll just take a deep breath, a step, another deep breath, another step... And keep going.

There's Nothing Better. Do You Like My Sweater?

We tried to see this volcano today, but it was too foggy :(

I safely drove a cool car in the rain through very narrow roads, uninsured. I'm the bomb.

The weather, though rainy, is still warm and beautiful. I'm getting to practice my Spanish left and right. I'm listening to intelligent Russian conversation 24/7. The views are breathtaking. My hair needs basically no supervision because of the humidity. Life is good.

Adios, amigos!!

Going With the Flow

I'm in Costa Rica and the weather is B-E-A-utiful. I love it, and I can't wait to stop looking at this computer screen.

Hopefully I'll be able to post pictures onto here once I get back; until then you'll just have to look up 'Costa Rica' on google images.

Yesterday we spent the wholee day traveling, which kind of sucked, but I also slept a lot and read a lot, which hasn't happened in a while. Also today my mom got an email saying I missed school, and I remembered that I forgot to fill out an extended absence form, but oh well. It's a vacation; who cares about school? Plus I told all my teachers already where I would be. It's nice not having to worry about school for a while. The only homework I brought was Beloved by Toni Morrison, and reading that will be at least semi-enjoyable. Although annotating is by far not my favorite task, the book makes me think, which I like.

I'm almost finished with I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou, and it is fantastic. I hate that it took me so long to read it, because I would have loved it a couple of years ago, but whatever. I love reading not only because of the vocabulary and the spelling and comprehension and writing skills that seemingly automatically come with it, but also because of the connections I make while I'm reading. I read Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison recently, then right after I read The Help by Kathryn Stockett, now I'm reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou and Beloved by Toni Morrison. They're all centered around the perspective of American blacks, and it is so interesting to piece together all of these different views... I can really picture a bigger picture now. I don't know, but it's just so awesome. I wish more people knew how I feel, so many people don't see the point of books and I really pity that kind of ignorance - books are a gift.

All righty well Costa Rica is calling, I don't know how much computer access I'll have throughout the trip, but obviously I found it today. Enjoy spring break!! Read, relax, and if you're not somewhere tropical then set a picture of somewhere tropical as your computer background. Looking at those almost makes me feel the warm breeze and the birds chirping.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Have Fun Without Me!

I have to pack, I'm leaving tomorrow.
I'm excited. But I'll miss everyone. But it'll be nice to have some time with my family and with Liza; I really don't get to see them enough.
I'll be gone about 10 days, so I figure I won't be able to post.. Maybe I'll write in a notebook? And then I can copy all of my thoughts from the trip into blogs later? I feel like that would be very time-taking. Maybe I'll do it anyway.

Be safe, don't die or anything.

Sleep Sleep Sleep

I'm so tired. Tired of school, of being stressed out, of everything. I took a nap today that was wondrous. I had to get up to do some homework, and I didn't even do all of it. Senioritis? I think so.

Good Terms Are Good

Things with Brad are okay again, which really relieves all my stress and crap and shit.

Life is life, life goes on, a rose is a rose is a rose.

Also if I'm ever dressed really nice for no reason it's probably because I feel shitty. Just a fun fact.

And Just When I Thought the Drama Was Over...

It wasn't.

Isn't Friendship Great?

Goddamn, I love my friends. They make my life; seriously, without them all I would do is read and watch shows and movies and learn things. But my friends actually give my life action and meaning. I won't go into details, but my friends help me up when I'm down and find me when I'm lost and do crazy fun shit with me when we get the urge.. It's just so great to know that your friends are there for you. Who cares if I'm alone romantically if I have all these wonderfully spectacular people to lean on? DAMN. That's all I have to say.

Life is only lonely if you make it so, happiness is a choice, and you are beautiful no matter what they say. Thank you, Wisconsin.

What's a Three Piece?

Again, it struck me how weird it is that anyone can read this. I think I'll change the privacy settings.

Today I went to school, hung with some people, then hung with some other people. There was this get together for my friend's birthday and the cops came and everyone had to leave; that was exciting. I ended up just going to Mark's and hanging out more.

I changed my oil, but I still need to change my tires, apparently. The lady at the place said they were worn, but I don't want to spend more time on my car. It's just to get me from place to place, but I guess I also want it to be safe.

As I was driving home I could smell smoke from the Left Hand Canyon fire. Also there's one in Lyons, and yesterday there was a fire on Pearl St. that burned down a restaurant! This earthquake in Japan led to tsunamis.. All this crap is happening. Not just in nature, either, but also politically. With all the revolution and rebellion going on in the Middle East (especially Libya)... It just feels like the world is slowly, piece by piece, falling apart. I think believing in 2012 is dumb, but sometimes I have this hunch that maybe it isn't, and maybe it's real and believable. I wish I could just see it as a hoax, but it's too persuasive.
Damn.
I learn that a pink sock is when during anal sex the male pulls out his penis and a bit of butt is stuck to it and the large intestine (or whatever) gets inverted for a second and it looks like the end of a pink sock on the dick. It's gross, but funny.

Why Are You so Obsessed With Me?

Highlights of the day were Tsing Tao with some buds, after school Liza and I went to the BYBA FUNraiser. It was nice to catch up with her, we haven't seen each other in too long.

I love catching up with friends! It's inevitable to get caught up in your own life and not spend enough time with certain people, but it's awesome when you realize and you talk to them and remember why you're friends in the first place.

I love the song Obsessed by Mariah Carey. It is so catchy.

This One Girl is a ho

I never really got it until today. I knew Mark and Ryan and them didn't like her, so we would joke about her faults. Before, I would just get annoyed that she talked like a tween and seemed stuck-up and just seemed dumb in general, but now I get It. She is stuck up and dumb and mean. Just.. Jeez.

I need some new sandals and I'd like a new swimsuit for when I go to Costa Rica, but I don't seem to have much time to find said things. I also have to change the oil in my car, but I don't know when I'm going to do that, either. Damn, life's a bitch.

Now on to the positives in life. Today Ashley and I did some math, which was nice, then we went to school, where I had to tolerate the kids in my Chinese class, then I hung out with Ashley and Mark, then I went to Digital Art (I'm almost done with my design! I just have to finish the Nutrition Facts), then I had a voice lesson, then I went home. I'm so tired, and I didn't even do that much today. Guess I'll do some work.

Education is a Privilege

Someone alerted me to the fact that tumblr is a better blog host than blogger, so I am considering switching. But I'm already used to blogger, so I probably won't.

Today I went to breakfast with Kira, where I found out that I could've stayed at my job longer because it's been a month and they still haven't implemented liquor into the menu.. Oh well, it's been a nice vacation. Although I'm starting to notice my lack of money.

After breakfast, I went to 4 straight odd periods, and odd days are my most concentrated. I have LA, during which we don't really learn but we still do things, then Calculus BC, during which we learn a lot, then advanced physics, during which we learn (super boring, but still important), then journalism, during which I read. After school, Ashley and I did a lot of math. She's coming over tomorrow to do more before we go to school.

I also went to BYBA today, and we were super productive. We had a lot of ideas and I'm excited to actually accomplish things, rather than just.. hang out. Don't get me wrong, it's fun, but it's nice knowing we have purpose.

I am so done with school. I like the subject matter, but I find myself getting more and more obsessed with the stupidity of my classmates. Maybe we would actually learn something if 3/4 of the class would shut up once in a while. Today, during the entry activity in LA, I couldn't concentrate because so many kids were having conversations. There's no way they all wrote thoughtful paragraphs during those 7 minutes. It just pissed me off - it's such a privilege to go to school, we are so fortunate for all we have, and so many of us are just little dicks and those people don't appreciate anything and they don't realize how FUCKING lucky they are to be getting an education. And the hardest part for me to accept is that it's not that they aren't smart and able to learn, it's that they don't want to. They don't see the merit. And that is what is going to make this nation a failure in the coming decades. If we don't get our educational system reformed and stress how important it is, shit is going to hit the fan, oh my brothers.

Emotions AGAIN?

I don't know why, but lately I've been really hormonal. It's very unsettling, not being able to control or understand my own emotions.

I have this personal self-help movement going on that has been in place probably since 7th grade. When I notice that I repeatedly do something as a habit or have a certain fear, I immediately stop. This has happened on numerous occasions... In 7th grade, I bit my nails habitually. Actually, I had for my whole childhood. After a while of my family berating me for it, I decided to stop, and did. In 9th grade, I had a very short cigarette frenzy, and once I realized I was smoking regularly, I stopped forever. Now, I have been cracking my knuckles and biting my cheeks, which I have decided to stop doing. As far as fears go, I was at various points in my life afraid of clowns, heights, death, my future, all bugs and creepy crawlies, and I successfully overcame them all. Now I'm dealing with fear of commitment, I think. And when I rationally think about it, I realize that commitment would be wonderful, and I don't think I'm consciously afraid of it, it's just that whenever I'm faced with the choice of committing to someone (romantically) or not, I naturally lean towards not. I don't know how to fix that, but I want to change. Not being able to really depend on someone makes me feel less human.

I have been kind of bored the past week, it's like I have nothing to fantasize about. I suppose I should fantasize about Costa Rica, since I'm going there for spring break. It's just that it's hard to fantasize when I have no idea what it's going to be like. I guess my imagination sucks.

Lately I've been drifting apart from certain friends, which sucks, but I'm realizing that that's how life is. As much as you might love someone, life can lead you apart, and that's okay. It's just how it goes, and I appreciate the friends I've been getting closer to as a result of all the time I've been spending with them. Life is really good, I don't know why I'm always complaining. I'm going to try to stop that habit, too.

Today I went to school, then dropped off Zach and Miri Make a Porno, went to work out, realized that I dropped the movie at the wrong video place, picked it up, went home, realized I had to drop it off at the other video place, drove back, drove home, and realized I have to get my oil changed. Damn, I'm forgetful. But it was a pretty regular day.

Thanks for reading!
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

Half Here, Half Somewhere Else

I felt kind of detached all day. At Russian I felt a bit complacent, but I kept it in. Certain places are just not the best places to be cocky. Hanging out with Caty was fun, but when Emily and Lindsay showed up, I got all quiet for some reason. What's wrong with me? I was kind of like that yesterday for a while, too.

Everybody has those days, everybody makes mistakes. Thank you Miley.

Not in the Mood to Write

Yesterday I went to the Hospice Care Thrift Store and volunteered for the first time in a long time. It was really nice. After that I went to my performance class and sang good. Then I went to Flatirons to meet BYBA and put body positive stickers on dressing room mirrors. Then we all went to a lockin at the YMCA! It was super fun.

Stay classy.

Loneliness > Shitty People

I just realized how weird it is that basically anyone, whether I know them or not, can look at my blog and know a lot of details of my whereabouts and details about me.. Because basically what I'm doing here is documenting my daily activities and I've gotten into the habit of saying one main emotional thing, sort of.. But this is pretty therapeutic for me, so I'll just let dem stalkers be creepy.


So today I woke up at 7:28 and realized I had to book shit to get to school, which I did, and got to school at like 7:50. Not bad. I did this, only to walk into my Chinese class to find that we were just looking at pictures from the China trip of 2010. For the whole period, we just looked at pictures. It was awesome, but the biggest waste of time!! Oh well. For 4th, lunch, and 6th, I went to Lindsay's house and ate and watched 1.5 movies (500 Days of Summer and most of Hairspray, the latter of which I've never seen before). Then I came back to school for Digital Art and Design.

In Digital Art we're working on this product design where we make up an energy drink (but I'm making a tea) and pick a demographic and sort of target our design towards that audience. It's pretty cool, and I thought it would suck at first, but I actually like my design. It's nice.

After school, I went to Mark's and we watched The Office until he had to go meet his Grandpappy to see if a bunch of his friends can go to a little house/cottage/villa/shack (can you tell I don't know what exactly it is? I think it's a house) in Indiana.. And, drum roll, he said yes! The only thing is that Mr. Grandpappy has to ask his brother. So, that will be cool.

While Mark was chatting with Grandpappy, I went to my grandma's for the first time in a while. She fed me and we talked for a bit, then I went back to Mark's where a bunch of us played Need for Speed, hot tubbed, then went to Ryan's to watch Zach and Miri Make a Porno (which I loved).

I also realized today that I would SOOO much rather be lonely than be with people I don't like, which may not be unique, but it kind of nailed me on the head and I just suddenly was aware of how much I appreciate my friends. So my advice is to spend time with people you like, because you're going to die and do you really want to have spent your life with people you hate?

Anticipation for Vacation

Today was pretty busy, in a good way. I went to school, then Tsing Tao, then school, then the CU Rock Your Body event where we took some killer pictures, then to work out (took a nap in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before, because I'm that cool), then to Video Station to get My Father's Glory, then home. Ashley came over and we watched the movie, had awesome conversation, and just enjoyed each other's company. It'd be nice to be that close with a boy, I suppose, but who knows? Now just isn't the right time for that, I guess.

I'm getting through (slowly, but surely) I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou. It's pretty interesting once you get through a few chapters.
Spring Break is in two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Costa Rica, here I come!

Books are the best escape

I'm really enjoying this CSAP schedule, but tomorrow it's back to getting up at 6:00 AM. I found this new site that lets you watch movies fo free on it.. Unfortunately, I've already gotten used to sleeping in so I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep, but oh well. I guess it serves me right, staying up so late watching average movies and reading. Life is good, though.

In about a month I'll know where I'm going for college.. The suspense begins.

Thoughful Friends Rock

Yesterday was so eventful. I went to school, worked out, finished The Help by Kathryn Stockett, started a rough draft for my Invisible Man essay, Brad and I ended things for good, and Mark dropped off a poster he made for me.

Liberation feels good.

Drama

Today was a good day, up until about an hour ago, when drama kicked up. I went to work out, went to talk about a BYBA grant, then spent the rest of the day at home. I did some homework, took a nap, and read a bunch. Life is good.

This drama is taking a gazillion years to settle. I'm ready to move on. Life goes on, and so should I.

I Like People like James Bond

Today was a great day. It started with Russian, then working out, then swimming with the gang, then partying it up. It was fun.

I realized I have an interesting set of standards.. If someone doesn't intrigue me, I'm not really attracted to them, however attractive they may be. So be mysterious! Never let anyone know everything about you - 007style.

Three Day Weekend

Today was a great day. It started when I woke up next to Ashley, which was nice. We did a bunch of productive stuff and got a lot done for school, then I went to work out, then I went to watch No Strings Attached with Kira, then we chatted over tea. All in all, it was kind of like a regular Friday because I worked on academic things and then had a social life afterwards, but I didn't wake up at 6.

What do you do when someone blatantly just wants to fight with you? All I want is peace.

Taking Care of Business

Yesterday was a good day. I barely had to pay attention at school, I got a lot done, and I had a fun night with mis amigos. Ashley and I finally watched The Wall and Avatar; left on the list are La Gloire de Mon Pere and BMS.

I realized that a lot of the time, it's unnecessary to take others seriously. They don't really know what they're doing - a lot of life is guesswork. Being offended because someone said something dumb or did something dumb is a waste of time because it wastes your nerves, because they're just trying to find their way through life, and it distracts you from finding your way. Also, why focus on the faults of others when you can focus on bettering yourself?
Adios.

Good Things Stem from Bad Ones

Today wasn't the best of all days. I went to sleep late last night and almost all day I felt unsociable, tired, and partly apathetic. On the bright side, I got a lot done. I put up posters at Fairview for Eating Disorder Awareness week, bought Beloved by Toni Morrison for my English class, spoke at a board of directors meeting for the Boulder Youth Body Alliance, and had a voice lesson. 

One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything every night before you go to bed.  

~Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 I think I'm going to start that. It just makes me feel good. So today, I'm having a fresh start, and I forgive everyone for everything. I am moving on, grudges gone (hopefully), starting a journey of self-advocacy, support, and love. God, I feel really sick, so I'm going to bed.

Oh, men

Today was a relatively good day, especially in comparison to my past couple of months. I was happy and made a lot of jokes, some bad, I laughed a lot. It was good.

I just quickly want to qualify all those things people say about men. When people say men are dogs, the truth is they're probably talking about one man in particular. When people say you can't live with or without men, they are probably talking about one man in particular.
I think it's time for me to take a break from men, because they take up too much space in my head, and if that space was free, I could learn German or something.

Thanks for reading, good luck.

Ew feelings

I got back from Moscow today, and what do you know! I'm super tired and a bit cranky. Hopefully after sleeping tonight I'll have a good school day tomorrow.

Do you ever get that feeling that you don't like something, but there's nothing you can do to change it (at least for a while), so you are just in a constant state of discontent about it? I wish there was always a 'right' thing to do so that those situations didn't arise. I hate not knowing how I feel or what I want or what to do. I just hate uncertainty, so I always try to decide things quickly or ahead of time, and when I don't know something I spend all my energy trying to figure it out. I'm super impatient.

Hopefully, with time, I will learn to change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and acquire the wisdom to know the difference.

First Blog!!

Well, hello, I guess you want to know about me.

My name is Vally, and I like various activities such as playing billiards, reading books, and kicking it with my homies.

Right now I'm on a trip to Moscow with my mom, who is a poet (among other things), and I'm really enjoying myself. Though it's freezing, I'm really enjoying the feel of the big city. There's a certain taste of opportunity in the air, it feels like anything could happen at any time... Pretty cool.

I don't have much else to say right now, I'm still getting used to the idea that someone might see this. 

Thanks for stopping by, San Diego.