College?

I was really excited to come here so I could meet new people.. But in my vision of it, I was meeting all these great people who I immediately became really close with and could be myself around and they could be themselves around me and we could go out and do anything and it would still be fun. Basically, I was imagining that all my current close friends turned into new people. It's not quite going like that.

I have been meeting people left and right, which is nice and makes me hopeful for the future, when I can actually have friendships with these people, but for now we forget each other's names within minutes, we have to search for conversation topics, and we have to test the waters before every invitation.

While I'm talking to new people questions go through my head like 'what if she/he doesn't drink? what if she/he is gay? what if she/he loves this thing I'm bashing? what if she/he is completely judging me right now? Should I just go back to my dorm room where it's safe? Should I just give up on making friends?' In one of Tom Milsom's songs (called Song for the Painfully Indie) he sings "But I'm the one who cares/About a good impression being made/.../Don't tell me how the game is played/.../And I don't want to talk to her and take her hand/In case she tells me her favourite band is not my favourite band/How would I know which drink she'd want me to buy/When do I look her in the eye?" His song seems like it's about dating indie girls, but that part really hit me as far as not knowing what to say or how to act with new people.

It definitely sucks. I'm a pretty sociable person, I think, and it is very discouraging meeting new people all the time and not having any real friends except for the ones I have known for a long time. I guess it all takes time. But I'm so impatient.

My classes aren't going to be that hard, though, compared to Fairview. I'm going to have a hard time figuring out what to do with all this time I have in the middle of the day, though. Every day I have a break from like 11 to 3, if not the rest of the day, and I should do homework and study and shit, but I just end up doing it in the afternoon doing random stuff in between classes.

And I guess it's nice being so close to everything. If I ever want to party, I can. If I ever want to study, there are a bunch of libraries and little parks nearby. If I ever really need a familiar feel, I can go to Liza's house. And my roommates are super great. And I have a ton of great amenities. But I'm human, and I want more.

AHHH I miss having the safety net of my parents downstairs to go and whine and cry to if anything bad happens (I probably did that once every six months, so not a big deal, but still). I also miss having one person in particular that I could share everything with. Sex, secrets, feelings, mundane details of my day.. I guess it takes time to get to that level with someone, but it's hard not to have it when I've been used to that for so long. And it's not like going and hooking up with someone random is going to satisfy all of those emotional lacks in addition to the horniness.

I feel alone.