College?

I was really excited to come here so I could meet new people.. But in my vision of it, I was meeting all these great people who I immediately became really close with and could be myself around and they could be themselves around me and we could go out and do anything and it would still be fun. Basically, I was imagining that all my current close friends turned into new people. It's not quite going like that.

I have been meeting people left and right, which is nice and makes me hopeful for the future, when I can actually have friendships with these people, but for now we forget each other's names within minutes, we have to search for conversation topics, and we have to test the waters before every invitation.

While I'm talking to new people questions go through my head like 'what if she/he doesn't drink? what if she/he is gay? what if she/he loves this thing I'm bashing? what if she/he is completely judging me right now? Should I just go back to my dorm room where it's safe? Should I just give up on making friends?' In one of Tom Milsom's songs (called Song for the Painfully Indie) he sings "But I'm the one who cares/About a good impression being made/.../Don't tell me how the game is played/.../And I don't want to talk to her and take her hand/In case she tells me her favourite band is not my favourite band/How would I know which drink she'd want me to buy/When do I look her in the eye?" His song seems like it's about dating indie girls, but that part really hit me as far as not knowing what to say or how to act with new people.

It definitely sucks. I'm a pretty sociable person, I think, and it is very discouraging meeting new people all the time and not having any real friends except for the ones I have known for a long time. I guess it all takes time. But I'm so impatient.

My classes aren't going to be that hard, though, compared to Fairview. I'm going to have a hard time figuring out what to do with all this time I have in the middle of the day, though. Every day I have a break from like 11 to 3, if not the rest of the day, and I should do homework and study and shit, but I just end up doing it in the afternoon doing random stuff in between classes.

And I guess it's nice being so close to everything. If I ever want to party, I can. If I ever want to study, there are a bunch of libraries and little parks nearby. If I ever really need a familiar feel, I can go to Liza's house. And my roommates are super great. And I have a ton of great amenities. But I'm human, and I want more.

AHHH I miss having the safety net of my parents downstairs to go and whine and cry to if anything bad happens (I probably did that once every six months, so not a big deal, but still). I also miss having one person in particular that I could share everything with. Sex, secrets, feelings, mundane details of my day.. I guess it takes time to get to that level with someone, but it's hard not to have it when I've been used to that for so long. And it's not like going and hooking up with someone random is going to satisfy all of those emotional lacks in addition to the horniness.

I feel alone.

RuSsIa

Helloooo.

I've been in Russia for the past two weeks, which has been... many things. To be honest, I'm glad I'm coming back in a week. I think next time I come here I will only stay for two weeks. Or I'll live here for a while. Because the truth is people always are happy to see you if they haven't seen you in a long time, but that feeling of novelty and excitement fades after a few days. It just wears off, and then if you only have another few days left before you leave you feel like a used up rag that no one needs anymore because they got a swiffer. Or maybe you're the swiffer in this analogy and after a while people realize they have more to talk about with their old mop. My analogies never make much sense. Whatever.

Ugh. I miss everyone in Boulder. I always feel like this on family vacations. I spend so much time with my family and at first I'm so happy and carefree and I'm like 'why don't I spend more time with my parents in Boulder?' and by the end of the vacation I'm like 'oh yeah, this is why.' I love them. It's just that we're different people and we need breaks from each other to stay on good terms. I have friends like that, too, that I can't spend days and days in a row with. Because I love them in small doses, just like ozone, but when I get too much of them it only leads to negativity.

I can't wait for Mark to finish the senior year/summer video. I really want to watch it.

GAH I just miss Boulder. But I guess coming back means all the things I have to do (like starting my job and going to school). Still I'm basically just done here.

Thankful

I got a macbook pro today! My parents are the best.

I am kind of feeling... I don't know exactly what word to use. But to encompass the feeling, I'll say this: I want to embrace all the new beginnings I'm experiencing. I have a newfound trust that it'll all be okay. I'm remembering that people adapt, that I shouldn't worry about fragility because if it's worth it, it might hurt, and that to get somewhere awesome, you have to live through some shit.

Dayum.

I have a good life.

Back from Dianer (it rocked my socks)

You know what sucks? When both your grandmas and your dad all tell you that you look like you've gained weight. I just don't understand the point of that. But at the same time, I think I handled it really well today. I just said, "so what?" And they seemed kind of speechless. So... Success for Vally!

I have so many books I want to read this summer. And so many things I want to do. I can't wait. Dayum son.

New

Maybe its the book I'm reading but I feel the start of a new life. An adult life, filled with adventure and healthy responsibility.

I'm GRADUATED

Today was the first step of the rest of my journey. Here we go.

I only started crying after about 30 minutes of the graduation ceremony had gone by! So I think I deserve some credit for that.

Embarrassing moment? Here we go. The Honors students were being recognized, and the principal said that everyone with a GPA of 4.4 or higher should stand, and I heard 4.0 so I stood and quickly realized my mistake and sat back down. I'm sure a ton of people kept watching me thinking 'oh that girl has no idea what's going on' and they were right. So that was embarrassing.

When I was driving after graduation, I felt that I should put on some deodorant, so I got it out and was about to at a stoplight when a cute guy in the car next to me gave me the sexy eye. And then I was like 'well, I still need to put this on' so I did and he laughed at me and drove away. SO... That was cool.

I'm just super smart in general and am always so suave it's insane.

Anyway I spent a ton of the day going to and fro to graduation parties, and that was fun. I even spent an hour at my own! And got a ton of money.

I can't wait to go to Indiana! Fuckyeah fuckyeah

Don't feel like writing? Doing it anyway?

I guess I'm done with high school... Feels almost like it's just another day. But I know it's not.

Today I watched Something Borrowed and it was worse than I hoped.. But still sweet. Then I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and it was worse than I expected. And that was disappointing.

Poop. I have to change my orientation time for CU, which sucks, because the site is down for maintenance and I can't do anything until Monday. I just wish I could fix it now. Poop ploop.

:) I should get some waterproof mascara for when I cry at graduation. Unless I don't cry! That'd be cool. But I've been a water factory for the past week so it's hard to hope for something like that. Crycrycry. It's satisfying, though, since when I stop crying I feel really cleansed.