I'm not a bad person

I think it's okay to say things like 'that's gay' or 'no homo' if you're commenting on the irony of the statement and not insulting homosexuality. Even though one could argue that homosexuality is a biological mistake, but that's not what I want to talk about.


A few nights ago, I started crying because this kid I'm friends with wouldn't stop singing a song that I think is really vulgar and it just makes me uncomfortable, so when I asked him to stop singing it and he kept doing it, my first instinct was to cry. And I was like, "I can't believe I just cried. I'm so gay."


To me, it is clear that crying is not a sign of homosexuality any more than having arms is a sign of homosexuality. To me, that was a joke, because obviously I don't mean it and there is nothing wrong with crying, just like there's nothing wrong with being gay. I was also making a comment on how ignorant people sound when they're trying to insult something by calling it gay.


I hate that just because I'm trying to put humor into something sad, people automatically think I'm mean or racist or homophobic or what have you. I probably am slightly all of those things because of the way I was raised and where I grew up and everything, but all I'm doing is being honest about it and accepting that things are the way they are, and accepting that I'm not going to devote my life to trying to change them.


Yes, watching two men kiss makes me uncomfortable, but if a man and a woman were to kiss right in front of me, I would also be uncomfortable. Yes, being near black people is weird to me because I grew up in a place where seeing a black person was an event because there were so few of them. It makes me uncomfortable to be in situations that I haven't been in before, which doesn't make me a menace. It makes me human. 

To someone who will get it one day:

I love you.

But...

You don't have to ask me if the dress is too small every time I ask you to zip me up. It is none of your business what size I am and quite honestly, just because you aren't happy with my body doesn't mean I feel the same way. Let me live my life. I am healthy and smart and have goals. Being skinny is not one of them.

How do you know how you feel?

College is hardddd. I have hormones that make being sad feel worse (but they also make being happy feel better so maybe it's good?) and schoolwork is stressful but I also have way more time to complete it...

It takes time to know how you feel, I guess.

vallydyllav.tumblr.com

Hopeful

I'm feeling very optimistic. Today I had a very pleasant lunch (that I didn't really expect to be quite that pleasant) with someone and it made me see that every interaction is whatever you want it to be. I'm reading this book called "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein and there is a quote in there:

"That which you manifest is before you."

How wise! Whatever you want to get from life is all you. Want to be happy? Find things that make you happy and do them. Want to be successful? Figure out what that means for you and get there. Poor? Move somewhere with more opportunities. Want to be friends with someone? Make an effort to get along with them.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Right?? And everyone's behavior is so subjective. For example, I always try to do the right thing, but the way I decide what is right is taking everything I'm going through and have been through into consideration (in effect, using my own background as evidence and justification for my behavior). Someone from a different background could think I'm a complete bitch because their priorities are set up differently. Just because someone is a stripper - does that mean the person is a bad one?

 If your best friend became a stripper, you would be able to justify the action by saying something like "Well, she/he's going through a really rough patch, money is really tight, emotionally she/he's in a weird place... etc," but if someone you don't know (and maybe don't like that much) becomes a stripper you may think something like "What a characteristic thing for her/him! I'm not surprised, she/he has always been a whorey bitch ho and this has absolutely no reason behind it."

 I'm not going to say that from now on I'm going to stop thinking bad things about people; I'm human and it's a part of me - judgment is a part of humanity - but I will acknowledge that I don't know everything about everything or everyone. Like fascists. Who knows what they're dealing with at home? Maybe they have a parental or cultural pressure to be fascists. Or rapists. Who knows what kind of mental mutations they have going on? I'm not saying I'm okay with these things, criminals are still criminals, hateful people are still hateful, I'm just saying that maybe if I was in their shoes I would deal with things in a similar way.

 One of my close friends, Tyler, once told me his philosophy on life. He sees things kind of like I described after the "Be kind..." quote. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, but

"I try to do the right thing all of the time, but accept that I don't know the whole story."

Later on he might regret what he chose to do if he learns more about the different perspectives of the situation, but he can sleep at night knowing that at every moment he is operating on a moment-to-moment basis, working with his observations and his knowledge, accepting there are definitely details about everything he is unaware of. I really respect that approach.

I always try to be kind, too, but it can be difficult when I'm being myself or telling a story to someone in public - I can't always be watching and making sure I'm not offending someone.

 So... Just feeling very optimistic and accepting of everyone right now. Listening to Ellie Goulding.

It's already been a week and a half?

Time is such a relative thing. When I'm in microeconomics I feel like class will never end, but when I'm sitting in my dorm trying to finish homework before going out I feel like time is speeding past.. Similarly, when I'm sitting in my dorm room trying to finish Ch. 2 of my microbiology textbook and I realize that there are only so many chapters and by the end of this semester I'll have read all of them and I'll have established myself as far as who my friends are (probably) and where I like to hang out and stuff... I freak out a little bit.

Each hour is slow, each day is fast, and each week is turbo. It's ridiculous, unbelievable, and confusing that I've already been here a week. How did that happen? It seems like just a few days ago I moved in! But I suppose this is what life is. It's just finding ways to spend your time that are fitting for you, so you don't regret them at the end. There really isn't enough time. Dying young is not an option.

Feeling rushed.

College?

I was really excited to come here so I could meet new people.. But in my vision of it, I was meeting all these great people who I immediately became really close with and could be myself around and they could be themselves around me and we could go out and do anything and it would still be fun. Basically, I was imagining that all my current close friends turned into new people. It's not quite going like that.

I have been meeting people left and right, which is nice and makes me hopeful for the future, when I can actually have friendships with these people, but for now we forget each other's names within minutes, we have to search for conversation topics, and we have to test the waters before every invitation.

While I'm talking to new people questions go through my head like 'what if she/he doesn't drink? what if she/he is gay? what if she/he loves this thing I'm bashing? what if she/he is completely judging me right now? Should I just go back to my dorm room where it's safe? Should I just give up on making friends?' In one of Tom Milsom's songs (called Song for the Painfully Indie) he sings "But I'm the one who cares/About a good impression being made/.../Don't tell me how the game is played/.../And I don't want to talk to her and take her hand/In case she tells me her favourite band is not my favourite band/How would I know which drink she'd want me to buy/When do I look her in the eye?" His song seems like it's about dating indie girls, but that part really hit me as far as not knowing what to say or how to act with new people.

It definitely sucks. I'm a pretty sociable person, I think, and it is very discouraging meeting new people all the time and not having any real friends except for the ones I have known for a long time. I guess it all takes time. But I'm so impatient.

My classes aren't going to be that hard, though, compared to Fairview. I'm going to have a hard time figuring out what to do with all this time I have in the middle of the day, though. Every day I have a break from like 11 to 3, if not the rest of the day, and I should do homework and study and shit, but I just end up doing it in the afternoon doing random stuff in between classes.

And I guess it's nice being so close to everything. If I ever want to party, I can. If I ever want to study, there are a bunch of libraries and little parks nearby. If I ever really need a familiar feel, I can go to Liza's house. And my roommates are super great. And I have a ton of great amenities. But I'm human, and I want more.

AHHH I miss having the safety net of my parents downstairs to go and whine and cry to if anything bad happens (I probably did that once every six months, so not a big deal, but still). I also miss having one person in particular that I could share everything with. Sex, secrets, feelings, mundane details of my day.. I guess it takes time to get to that level with someone, but it's hard not to have it when I've been used to that for so long. And it's not like going and hooking up with someone random is going to satisfy all of those emotional lacks in addition to the horniness.

I feel alone.

RuSsIa

Helloooo.

I've been in Russia for the past two weeks, which has been... many things. To be honest, I'm glad I'm coming back in a week. I think next time I come here I will only stay for two weeks. Or I'll live here for a while. Because the truth is people always are happy to see you if they haven't seen you in a long time, but that feeling of novelty and excitement fades after a few days. It just wears off, and then if you only have another few days left before you leave you feel like a used up rag that no one needs anymore because they got a swiffer. Or maybe you're the swiffer in this analogy and after a while people realize they have more to talk about with their old mop. My analogies never make much sense. Whatever.

Ugh. I miss everyone in Boulder. I always feel like this on family vacations. I spend so much time with my family and at first I'm so happy and carefree and I'm like 'why don't I spend more time with my parents in Boulder?' and by the end of the vacation I'm like 'oh yeah, this is why.' I love them. It's just that we're different people and we need breaks from each other to stay on good terms. I have friends like that, too, that I can't spend days and days in a row with. Because I love them in small doses, just like ozone, but when I get too much of them it only leads to negativity.

I can't wait for Mark to finish the senior year/summer video. I really want to watch it.

GAH I just miss Boulder. But I guess coming back means all the things I have to do (like starting my job and going to school). Still I'm basically just done here.