The Look in Someone's Eyes

The look in someone's eyes

Is sometimes all you remember.

You can try so hard, in the moment,

Memorizing every cowlick of their hair

Every freckle and zit

The curvature of the nose

The shade and thickness of the lips

The tone of their voice,

The pause before their punchline...

But days, months, years later

The clearest morsel of your memory

Is not of them, per se,

But of the look in their eyes.

What stays with you is what lies in the windows to their soul.

OMG

When you suddenly get REALLY horny? That shit is crayyyyy.

I'm not a bad person

I think it's okay to say things like 'that's gay' or 'no homo' if you're commenting on the irony of the statement and not insulting homosexuality. Even though one could argue that homosexuality is a biological mistake, but that's not what I want to talk about.


A few nights ago, I started crying because this kid I'm friends with wouldn't stop singing a song that I think is really vulgar and it just makes me uncomfortable, so when I asked him to stop singing it and he kept doing it, my first instinct was to cry. And I was like, "I can't believe I just cried. I'm so gay."


To me, it is clear that crying is not a sign of homosexuality any more than having arms is a sign of homosexuality. To me, that was a joke, because obviously I don't mean it and there is nothing wrong with crying, just like there's nothing wrong with being gay. I was also making a comment on how ignorant people sound when they're trying to insult something by calling it gay.


I hate that just because I'm trying to put humor into something sad, people automatically think I'm mean or racist or homophobic or what have you. I probably am slightly all of those things because of the way I was raised and where I grew up and everything, but all I'm doing is being honest about it and accepting that things are the way they are, and accepting that I'm not going to devote my life to trying to change them.


Yes, watching two men kiss makes me uncomfortable, but if a man and a woman were to kiss right in front of me, I would also be uncomfortable. Yes, being near black people is weird to me because I grew up in a place where seeing a black person was an event because there were so few of them. It makes me uncomfortable to be in situations that I haven't been in before, which doesn't make me a menace. It makes me human. 

To someone who will get it one day:

I love you.

But...

You don't have to ask me if the dress is too small every time I ask you to zip me up. It is none of your business what size I am and quite honestly, just because you aren't happy with my body doesn't mean I feel the same way. Let me live my life. I am healthy and smart and have goals. Being skinny is not one of them.

How do you know how you feel?

College is hardddd. I have hormones that make being sad feel worse (but they also make being happy feel better so maybe it's good?) and schoolwork is stressful but I also have way more time to complete it...

It takes time to know how you feel, I guess.

vallydyllav.tumblr.com

Hopeful

I'm feeling very optimistic. Today I had a very pleasant lunch (that I didn't really expect to be quite that pleasant) with someone and it made me see that every interaction is whatever you want it to be. I'm reading this book called "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein and there is a quote in there:

"That which you manifest is before you."

How wise! Whatever you want to get from life is all you. Want to be happy? Find things that make you happy and do them. Want to be successful? Figure out what that means for you and get there. Poor? Move somewhere with more opportunities. Want to be friends with someone? Make an effort to get along with them.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Right?? And everyone's behavior is so subjective. For example, I always try to do the right thing, but the way I decide what is right is taking everything I'm going through and have been through into consideration (in effect, using my own background as evidence and justification for my behavior). Someone from a different background could think I'm a complete bitch because their priorities are set up differently. Just because someone is a stripper - does that mean the person is a bad one?

 If your best friend became a stripper, you would be able to justify the action by saying something like "Well, she/he's going through a really rough patch, money is really tight, emotionally she/he's in a weird place... etc," but if someone you don't know (and maybe don't like that much) becomes a stripper you may think something like "What a characteristic thing for her/him! I'm not surprised, she/he has always been a whorey bitch ho and this has absolutely no reason behind it."

 I'm not going to say that from now on I'm going to stop thinking bad things about people; I'm human and it's a part of me - judgment is a part of humanity - but I will acknowledge that I don't know everything about everything or everyone. Like fascists. Who knows what they're dealing with at home? Maybe they have a parental or cultural pressure to be fascists. Or rapists. Who knows what kind of mental mutations they have going on? I'm not saying I'm okay with these things, criminals are still criminals, hateful people are still hateful, I'm just saying that maybe if I was in their shoes I would deal with things in a similar way.

 One of my close friends, Tyler, once told me his philosophy on life. He sees things kind of like I described after the "Be kind..." quote. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, but

"I try to do the right thing all of the time, but accept that I don't know the whole story."

Later on he might regret what he chose to do if he learns more about the different perspectives of the situation, but he can sleep at night knowing that at every moment he is operating on a moment-to-moment basis, working with his observations and his knowledge, accepting there are definitely details about everything he is unaware of. I really respect that approach.

I always try to be kind, too, but it can be difficult when I'm being myself or telling a story to someone in public - I can't always be watching and making sure I'm not offending someone.

 So... Just feeling very optimistic and accepting of everyone right now. Listening to Ellie Goulding.

It's already been a week and a half?

Time is such a relative thing. When I'm in microeconomics I feel like class will never end, but when I'm sitting in my dorm trying to finish homework before going out I feel like time is speeding past.. Similarly, when I'm sitting in my dorm room trying to finish Ch. 2 of my microbiology textbook and I realize that there are only so many chapters and by the end of this semester I'll have read all of them and I'll have established myself as far as who my friends are (probably) and where I like to hang out and stuff... I freak out a little bit.

Each hour is slow, each day is fast, and each week is turbo. It's ridiculous, unbelievable, and confusing that I've already been here a week. How did that happen? It seems like just a few days ago I moved in! But I suppose this is what life is. It's just finding ways to spend your time that are fitting for you, so you don't regret them at the end. There really isn't enough time. Dying young is not an option.

Feeling rushed.

College?

I was really excited to come here so I could meet new people.. But in my vision of it, I was meeting all these great people who I immediately became really close with and could be myself around and they could be themselves around me and we could go out and do anything and it would still be fun. Basically, I was imagining that all my current close friends turned into new people. It's not quite going like that.

I have been meeting people left and right, which is nice and makes me hopeful for the future, when I can actually have friendships with these people, but for now we forget each other's names within minutes, we have to search for conversation topics, and we have to test the waters before every invitation.

While I'm talking to new people questions go through my head like 'what if she/he doesn't drink? what if she/he is gay? what if she/he loves this thing I'm bashing? what if she/he is completely judging me right now? Should I just go back to my dorm room where it's safe? Should I just give up on making friends?' In one of Tom Milsom's songs (called Song for the Painfully Indie) he sings "But I'm the one who cares/About a good impression being made/.../Don't tell me how the game is played/.../And I don't want to talk to her and take her hand/In case she tells me her favourite band is not my favourite band/How would I know which drink she'd want me to buy/When do I look her in the eye?" His song seems like it's about dating indie girls, but that part really hit me as far as not knowing what to say or how to act with new people.

It definitely sucks. I'm a pretty sociable person, I think, and it is very discouraging meeting new people all the time and not having any real friends except for the ones I have known for a long time. I guess it all takes time. But I'm so impatient.

My classes aren't going to be that hard, though, compared to Fairview. I'm going to have a hard time figuring out what to do with all this time I have in the middle of the day, though. Every day I have a break from like 11 to 3, if not the rest of the day, and I should do homework and study and shit, but I just end up doing it in the afternoon doing random stuff in between classes.

And I guess it's nice being so close to everything. If I ever want to party, I can. If I ever want to study, there are a bunch of libraries and little parks nearby. If I ever really need a familiar feel, I can go to Liza's house. And my roommates are super great. And I have a ton of great amenities. But I'm human, and I want more.

AHHH I miss having the safety net of my parents downstairs to go and whine and cry to if anything bad happens (I probably did that once every six months, so not a big deal, but still). I also miss having one person in particular that I could share everything with. Sex, secrets, feelings, mundane details of my day.. I guess it takes time to get to that level with someone, but it's hard not to have it when I've been used to that for so long. And it's not like going and hooking up with someone random is going to satisfy all of those emotional lacks in addition to the horniness.

I feel alone.

RuSsIa

Helloooo.

I've been in Russia for the past two weeks, which has been... many things. To be honest, I'm glad I'm coming back in a week. I think next time I come here I will only stay for two weeks. Or I'll live here for a while. Because the truth is people always are happy to see you if they haven't seen you in a long time, but that feeling of novelty and excitement fades after a few days. It just wears off, and then if you only have another few days left before you leave you feel like a used up rag that no one needs anymore because they got a swiffer. Or maybe you're the swiffer in this analogy and after a while people realize they have more to talk about with their old mop. My analogies never make much sense. Whatever.

Ugh. I miss everyone in Boulder. I always feel like this on family vacations. I spend so much time with my family and at first I'm so happy and carefree and I'm like 'why don't I spend more time with my parents in Boulder?' and by the end of the vacation I'm like 'oh yeah, this is why.' I love them. It's just that we're different people and we need breaks from each other to stay on good terms. I have friends like that, too, that I can't spend days and days in a row with. Because I love them in small doses, just like ozone, but when I get too much of them it only leads to negativity.

I can't wait for Mark to finish the senior year/summer video. I really want to watch it.

GAH I just miss Boulder. But I guess coming back means all the things I have to do (like starting my job and going to school). Still I'm basically just done here.

Thankful

I got a macbook pro today! My parents are the best.

I am kind of feeling... I don't know exactly what word to use. But to encompass the feeling, I'll say this: I want to embrace all the new beginnings I'm experiencing. I have a newfound trust that it'll all be okay. I'm remembering that people adapt, that I shouldn't worry about fragility because if it's worth it, it might hurt, and that to get somewhere awesome, you have to live through some shit.

Dayum.

I have a good life.

Back from Dianer (it rocked my socks)

You know what sucks? When both your grandmas and your dad all tell you that you look like you've gained weight. I just don't understand the point of that. But at the same time, I think I handled it really well today. I just said, "so what?" And they seemed kind of speechless. So... Success for Vally!

I have so many books I want to read this summer. And so many things I want to do. I can't wait. Dayum son.

New

Maybe its the book I'm reading but I feel the start of a new life. An adult life, filled with adventure and healthy responsibility.

I'm GRADUATED

Today was the first step of the rest of my journey. Here we go.

I only started crying after about 30 minutes of the graduation ceremony had gone by! So I think I deserve some credit for that.

Embarrassing moment? Here we go. The Honors students were being recognized, and the principal said that everyone with a GPA of 4.4 or higher should stand, and I heard 4.0 so I stood and quickly realized my mistake and sat back down. I'm sure a ton of people kept watching me thinking 'oh that girl has no idea what's going on' and they were right. So that was embarrassing.

When I was driving after graduation, I felt that I should put on some deodorant, so I got it out and was about to at a stoplight when a cute guy in the car next to me gave me the sexy eye. And then I was like 'well, I still need to put this on' so I did and he laughed at me and drove away. SO... That was cool.

I'm just super smart in general and am always so suave it's insane.

Anyway I spent a ton of the day going to and fro to graduation parties, and that was fun. I even spent an hour at my own! And got a ton of money.

I can't wait to go to Indiana! Fuckyeah fuckyeah

Don't feel like writing? Doing it anyway?

I guess I'm done with high school... Feels almost like it's just another day. But I know it's not.

Today I watched Something Borrowed and it was worse than I hoped.. But still sweet. Then I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and it was worse than I expected. And that was disappointing.

Poop. I have to change my orientation time for CU, which sucks, because the site is down for maintenance and I can't do anything until Monday. I just wish I could fix it now. Poop ploop.

:) I should get some waterproof mascara for when I cry at graduation. Unless I don't cry! That'd be cool. But I've been a water factory for the past week so it's hard to hope for something like that. Crycrycry. It's satisfying, though, since when I stop crying I feel really cleansed.

I will follow you into the dark

Jeezus. All the yearbook signing, all the it's-your-last-day teacher speeches, all the long-long-long hugs.. All of it was just bullets. The i'm-going-to-make-you-cry gun was firing bullets all day long at my nostalgia-organ. So, yeah, it hit me a couple of times. And, yeah, I cried. I'm not going to lie - Fairview didn't make me who I am, and I am ready to leave. But going there was a gift. It has given me so many opportunities and it so hard to believe it's over. Just like that.

But anywayy let me go through what I did today.

I went to school, listened to some eulogies (and looked down so I wouldn't have to make eye contact with the speakers - especially this one girl who I don't specifically like) in LA, and left early. Then I went to Chinese, where I was theoretically supposed to turn in this study guide all filled out (yeah fuck that) and take a listening test. But guess what! The listening tape the district sent us only had German, French, and Spanish! So no listening test occurred. And no study guide was turned in. And I just didn't take the final. So, cool, I guess?

Then I figured out that I want to go to Leeds School of Business by talking more with Ms. Gifford and I talked to my mom and she was finally okay with my college decision and I felt so relieved and ready and just radically happy that I could move on without constantly fighting my parents about my future. And I called the guy so I could switch.

Theeeeeen I went to Ksoops and got some chips for the journalism partay, then to Physics where we watched The Prestige (fuck yeah fuck yeah it was so cool) and Mr. Guthrie gave this little speech and I cried.

After Physics, Ryan and Mark and Ashley and Slick and I went to Noodles and ate yummy food. Then Ryan and I went to the journalism party, which was fun, but super sad also because there was so much crying involved. Also I got this yearbook signing unsolicited from someone who I really didn't expect to sign it, and suddenly I opened it and there it was.. And it was really nice. But I just felt weird about it since we don't talk at all and it just seemed time-inappropriate. But it's all good in the hood.

After Journalism, I went to Digital Art and Design, where I watched a couple of presentations and we left early. Then I went to the dentist and it turns out that my wisdom teeth are super late bloomers and probably won't come in for at least another year so I don't have to worry about them! Coolio.

Then I hung out with Tyler and co. and played apples to apples and won. I've never lost. I don't know why that is, because the game so depends on who you're playing it with. But I'm still super proud that I've never lost. But it's not about winning or losing - it's the process, which is super fun. It was raining super dooper hard by the time I left and I called Mark because I said I would and

Mark and I decided to watch a movie! So about an hour later he picked me up and we ate some cereal (me) and quesadilla (him) at his house, then went to go watch Everything Must Go. With Will Ferrell. And, no offense, Will, but not your best movie. I felt depressed at least a good 93% of the time. Which, I guess, makes it art or something, but I still didn't enjoy most of it. There were a few funny parts, though. And Mark liked it, so that counts for something.

I'm super glad Mark and I are friends. And I'm glad he and Ashley are doing so well. It makes me really happy to see my friends so happy. I feel the same way about Tyler and Lindsay. It's just sweet. But it also kind of makes me super anxious because when they're having trouble, I feel super nervous for them and I feel all this suspense and get all wrapped up in it and worry abou tit. But that's what friendship is, sometimes.

I'm done with high school... I can't believe it. How does it just vanish? Craycray.

I just can't date a dude with a vag - Kesha

You know when you have a ton of emotion about something and in the back of your mind the logical part of you is like 'listen, buddy, you're really overreacting and you should calm down' and the emotional side of you is like 'shut the fuck up, this is affecting me and I need to acknowledge it!'

Well, it kind of feels like civil war. And it sucks. And it often happens to me at that time of the month. Thanks mother nature.

I bought the new Kesha album, Cannibal, and I'm sorry if she's considered trashy and not talented - I really enjoy her music. I honestly have no hesitation in saying my taste in music is very dictated by what's popular. I'm super mainstream. And really, whatever people make me listen to I usually like. The only things I can't stand are bagpipes.

Poop ploop. I feel so... I don't know. I have this huge appetite for movies. I have so many movies I want to see and I don't really even care if I see them with people. Like... I really just don't. I will gladly watch them by myself - I just have so many I want to watch.

:D Loving life

We in the bed like OOH OOOH OOHH

I've got a feeling - that this year's gonna be a good year.

Fuck yeah!!

Everything rocks! I mean, obviously there are always parts of life you'd like to improve or alter slightly, but in general god FUCK I'm happy with the way things are. All my problems are so miniscule! It's hard to even call them problems. Dayumm.

This weekend I'm going camping like a hobo (as if it's my job), then to school for three days (but it'll be fake WASSAP), then to Elitch's (roller coasters suck on that), then I'm graduating!! There's nothing better.

But I've been having a lot of feelings about leaving Fairview. Today I cried four times at school just because I started feeling so nostalgic.. I don't know. It's just that all those acquaintances that I see every day and am friendly with - it's them I know I won't stay in touch with. Them I'll see in five years and be like '
whoa you're married and have three kids already?' or 'I didn't realize you could hit homeless in such a short time' or 'you married a multi-millionaire? that's awesome but you're probably a bitchassho.' It's just crazy to me that I'm so close to being done. Most of my relationships will probably turn obsolete. And that is so freaking bittersweet.

Poop ploop.

Poop Ploop

So I've been posting a lot on my private blog because I've been having a lot of emotions and needed to vent and brag a lot and I don't want to subject regular humans to my ramblings.

But life is good. People are amazing. There are people who literally get made fun of every day who follow their dreams anyway and break out of the everyday mold and just do what they want. People are so amazing - their ability to be and survive and love each other through thick and thin and mistakes and faults... it is just fucking amazing to me. I don't know if I'll ever be a mother - I would seriously fuck a kid up and I wouldn't be responsible and I would have to give up my whole life, but if I ever become one I believe it'll be okay. Because people support each other and they adapt and they learn so fucking quickly...

Damn.

Also I'm super whiny and I've been realizing that people can probably only stand all my flaws because all my good qualities shine the more brightly. So I think I want to just be myself and stop judging myself and contradicting myself and second-guessing myself and being insecure - who needs insecurities, anyway? SO fuck all that shit. And life is a learning process. You can learn whatever you want, but you learn to live until the day you die. Mr. Ebadi said that - that man is wise. And super sarcastic and hilarious. But so wise when he gets serious! Jeez. I want to be wise.

I can't wait to go camping this weekend!! I'll have already taken the physics test so I won't have to worry about that! And then next Friday we're going to Elitch's! And then graduating!! Eek, time is moving so quickly. Damnnnn.

Brodiggity bro

I got this new keyboard and it is so niceee. The buttons are so pleasing to push! I can't even describe the feeling. I have to get used to the new distance between the buttons and the pressure with which I must press them to get a result, but it's just really nice. I was afraid at first that I spent 20 dollars on a keyboard that didn't work when it didn't work but then I refreshed my computer and it was aight.

Also I can't wait to go camping this weekend. Also I can't wait to graduate!!!!!! EEK I'm so close.

Also I can't wait to work and meet new people.

And go to college.

Man I love college.

Not Much to Write About

I cannot wait to start working this summer. I just want to meet new people (which makes me want to go to college super badly but until then my only opportunity to meet new people probably is if i get a job). So I want to work at the apple store, and as soon as I turn 18 I have the option of working either back at Le Peep or at White House Black Market. And maybe I'll work at Ameritech with Ashley? That could be fun. Or I could work at the Ritz. But it'd be cool to work somewhere fun. As much fun as Le Peep was....................


Well. Anyway.

I feel super independent and having my parents there to lean on is nice but I really want to just go out there and take my life into my own hands.

Good night.