The Look in Someone's Eyes

The look in someone's eyes

Is sometimes all you remember.

You can try so hard, in the moment,

Memorizing every cowlick of their hair

Every freckle and zit

The curvature of the nose

The shade and thickness of the lips

The tone of their voice,

The pause before their punchline...

But days, months, years later

The clearest morsel of your memory

Is not of them, per se,

But of the look in their eyes.

What stays with you is what lies in the windows to their soul.

OMG

When you suddenly get REALLY horny? That shit is crayyyyy.

I'm not a bad person

I think it's okay to say things like 'that's gay' or 'no homo' if you're commenting on the irony of the statement and not insulting homosexuality. Even though one could argue that homosexuality is a biological mistake, but that's not what I want to talk about.


A few nights ago, I started crying because this kid I'm friends with wouldn't stop singing a song that I think is really vulgar and it just makes me uncomfortable, so when I asked him to stop singing it and he kept doing it, my first instinct was to cry. And I was like, "I can't believe I just cried. I'm so gay."


To me, it is clear that crying is not a sign of homosexuality any more than having arms is a sign of homosexuality. To me, that was a joke, because obviously I don't mean it and there is nothing wrong with crying, just like there's nothing wrong with being gay. I was also making a comment on how ignorant people sound when they're trying to insult something by calling it gay.


I hate that just because I'm trying to put humor into something sad, people automatically think I'm mean or racist or homophobic or what have you. I probably am slightly all of those things because of the way I was raised and where I grew up and everything, but all I'm doing is being honest about it and accepting that things are the way they are, and accepting that I'm not going to devote my life to trying to change them.


Yes, watching two men kiss makes me uncomfortable, but if a man and a woman were to kiss right in front of me, I would also be uncomfortable. Yes, being near black people is weird to me because I grew up in a place where seeing a black person was an event because there were so few of them. It makes me uncomfortable to be in situations that I haven't been in before, which doesn't make me a menace. It makes me human. 

To someone who will get it one day:

I love you.

But...

You don't have to ask me if the dress is too small every time I ask you to zip me up. It is none of your business what size I am and quite honestly, just because you aren't happy with my body doesn't mean I feel the same way. Let me live my life. I am healthy and smart and have goals. Being skinny is not one of them.

How do you know how you feel?

College is hardddd. I have hormones that make being sad feel worse (but they also make being happy feel better so maybe it's good?) and schoolwork is stressful but I also have way more time to complete it...

It takes time to know how you feel, I guess.

vallydyllav.tumblr.com

Hopeful

I'm feeling very optimistic. Today I had a very pleasant lunch (that I didn't really expect to be quite that pleasant) with someone and it made me see that every interaction is whatever you want it to be. I'm reading this book called "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein and there is a quote in there:

"That which you manifest is before you."

How wise! Whatever you want to get from life is all you. Want to be happy? Find things that make you happy and do them. Want to be successful? Figure out what that means for you and get there. Poor? Move somewhere with more opportunities. Want to be friends with someone? Make an effort to get along with them.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Right?? And everyone's behavior is so subjective. For example, I always try to do the right thing, but the way I decide what is right is taking everything I'm going through and have been through into consideration (in effect, using my own background as evidence and justification for my behavior). Someone from a different background could think I'm a complete bitch because their priorities are set up differently. Just because someone is a stripper - does that mean the person is a bad one?

 If your best friend became a stripper, you would be able to justify the action by saying something like "Well, she/he's going through a really rough patch, money is really tight, emotionally she/he's in a weird place... etc," but if someone you don't know (and maybe don't like that much) becomes a stripper you may think something like "What a characteristic thing for her/him! I'm not surprised, she/he has always been a whorey bitch ho and this has absolutely no reason behind it."

 I'm not going to say that from now on I'm going to stop thinking bad things about people; I'm human and it's a part of me - judgment is a part of humanity - but I will acknowledge that I don't know everything about everything or everyone. Like fascists. Who knows what they're dealing with at home? Maybe they have a parental or cultural pressure to be fascists. Or rapists. Who knows what kind of mental mutations they have going on? I'm not saying I'm okay with these things, criminals are still criminals, hateful people are still hateful, I'm just saying that maybe if I was in their shoes I would deal with things in a similar way.

 One of my close friends, Tyler, once told me his philosophy on life. He sees things kind of like I described after the "Be kind..." quote. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, but

"I try to do the right thing all of the time, but accept that I don't know the whole story."

Later on he might regret what he chose to do if he learns more about the different perspectives of the situation, but he can sleep at night knowing that at every moment he is operating on a moment-to-moment basis, working with his observations and his knowledge, accepting there are definitely details about everything he is unaware of. I really respect that approach.

I always try to be kind, too, but it can be difficult when I'm being myself or telling a story to someone in public - I can't always be watching and making sure I'm not offending someone.

 So... Just feeling very optimistic and accepting of everyone right now. Listening to Ellie Goulding.

It's already been a week and a half?

Time is such a relative thing. When I'm in microeconomics I feel like class will never end, but when I'm sitting in my dorm trying to finish homework before going out I feel like time is speeding past.. Similarly, when I'm sitting in my dorm room trying to finish Ch. 2 of my microbiology textbook and I realize that there are only so many chapters and by the end of this semester I'll have read all of them and I'll have established myself as far as who my friends are (probably) and where I like to hang out and stuff... I freak out a little bit.

Each hour is slow, each day is fast, and each week is turbo. It's ridiculous, unbelievable, and confusing that I've already been here a week. How did that happen? It seems like just a few days ago I moved in! But I suppose this is what life is. It's just finding ways to spend your time that are fitting for you, so you don't regret them at the end. There really isn't enough time. Dying young is not an option.

Feeling rushed.